Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen
~Reinhold Niebuhr
As my time here passes by i find myself saying this prayer almost daily...I find that my fuse and my patients have grown VERY thin! I used to smoke, and that for me was my "release"...stressed out, smoke a cigarette...hormones raging, smoke a cigarette...bored and hungry, smoke a cigarette! As i just passed my 6th month smoke free mark last week, i find that not smoking is becoming harder and harder for me! Now couple that with the fact that my hormones have been raging since i got here, i have become one very touchy female! Its not something i can even pacify, and quite honestly angry Karen scares me....The rage that boils up in me for no apparent reason is uncontrollable, and terribly upsetting! I am dealing with a lot of emotions right now...I guess i just don't know how to vent the anger anymore!!! Lately when i am not being a complete bitch to Ryan, I am just fuming, bubbling over with hatred for damn near everything in sight...This is sooooo not like me, yes i can be very "over the top" at times (as Ryan likes to call me, his little drama queen) but i am normally not so angry!
Today would have been a great day, Ryan and i went to a movie and then followed it with ice cream at a place i was dying to try...As per the usual we were cut in front of at the shop and waited nearly 15 minutes to order! I was so upset i didn't even order, and could have started a domestic dispute right then and there with Ryan for not asserting himself and letting people walk all over us...Ummm hello, it was just ice cream, but my mood ruined the entire rest of our day...Even sitting here writing this i want to start screaming at Ryan again...What the hell is my problem!!!! Why cant i just be NICE!
I am miserable because i gained so much weight from quitting smoking, and it is stubbornly hanging on...I am pissed because now for no apparent reason i have begun getting my period which is physically impossible for me, and my hormone level is no where near stable...I am hurting because the world around me is growing up and starting families, and i will never be able to get pregnant...I am exhausted from months of barely any sleep...I am isolated from my support network...I am lost from the life i thought i knew...Most of all i am devastated by the way i cant seem to be nice to my husband, a man who does not deserve my anger!!! I have tried counting to 10, i have tried saying the serenity prayer, i have tried talking myself through it...All in all i just don't know how to make it stop....
Honestly the only release that even comes close for me is boxing...Today i spent a good 10 minutes sparing with the shower curtain for a target, but it only makes me feel better while i am doing it...Then i just broke down and cried...I don't know myself, or my body anymore! I am not sure how much more of this i can take! The problem is NOT Ryan, and it is NOT India...both of those i love...THE PROBLEM IS ME!!!!!!!!!
On a side note, i just researched my symptoms and i have EVERY symptom of PMDD...Fantastic!!!!!
2 comments:
Karen...you better get your butt over here and play some Scabble with me. I've got just the cure for your blues, and Villa #64 is the only place in town where you're going to find it.
Becca you are such a sweet heart!!!! I was out to dinner or i would have taken you up on it!!! You are right, villa #64 is a great place to be! :) I am grateful that we are here together and that i am not the only woman!!! Be seeing you soon neighbor!!!
Post a Comment