Swaddle to strait jacket

Swaddle turned strait jacket

I have to say that toddlers are a bundle of fun, but some days the power struggle is exhausting. So on a funny note we were going through all of Ella Mae's old stuff and we found her old swaddles. It was a nice moment to revisit those endearing days of our sweet angel sleeping so snuggly in her swaddle ever night, or the time when we decided it was time to say goodbye to the swaddle and thought she would never be able to sleep with out it. It is a firm reminder of how very fast time passes and how things change. The baby days are a mere memory and she grows faster and faster with each passing minute. She is becoming a big girl faster than i ever dreamed! Playing make believe, talking in random sentences, understanding every thing we say to her, putting out a little bit of attitude on a daily basis and giving hugs and kisses freely!

Only this morning she put together her second sentence ever. The first was "my name is Ella Mae" spoken perfectly clear and directed towards a cute waiter she had her eyes on while we were staying at the Leela in Kerala. Today's sentence, although cute reminds me that little ones are huge sponges and we need to very careful what we say around them. So what were her words of wisdom she needed to share you may ask...."mommy, i farted" well that is that i suppose! We will be sure to remind her that it is tooting, not farting but none the less she did toot and wanted me to know about it! Out of the mouth of my 18 month old, i can hardly wait to see what her next sentence of wisdom is!!!!

So hang onto your babies swaddle, because it makes a very nice toddler straight jacket!

My handicap....

I received a forwarded email that really hit home for me, not the whole email (although it was some great food for thought), but just one simple statement in the email.

My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances-they all become disabilities when i do not trust them to God's care.

For me this simple statement really hit home on so many levels!!!! I find my self caught living between what God wants, what i want, and what others want for me and it is the kind of tug of war no one can win! This falls under my "obligations" category, as i don't want to let anyone down, but in trying to please "everyone" i am no longer looking to God for his perfect direction. I love our families, our friends, our church but the truth is that God knows what he wants from me and my only obligation is to him, Ryan, and Ella Mae. I can not please everyone i care about and in trying i may not be in the will of God.

Fear, wow.......Fear used to happen every day when i would think of leaving India, or when i would think of staying in India. It happens when i think of Ryan going to work for a major airline or if he quits flying all together. We are at a point where big decisions are going to have to be made and it could be the scariest thing we will ever do. That being said, i am trying hard to completely give this aspect of our lives over to God and with this understanding comes the "calm"! God knows what comes next, where the next will be and he will take care of us if we just put all of our FAITH in him!

My pride, now this one used to be a really big one, but i am happy to say that God has been at work on that one for the last 2 years. I have learned how to accept my downfalls and suck it up and say i am sorry when i need to. The India experience has shown me a lot about pride and how toxic it can be. Thank you God for stripping me down and making me humble! One less "disability" for me to have in my day to day life.

My circumstances......

I will not allow myself to become a "slave" to my circumstances. I see now where life must be so scary for someone who has no faith, it must seem very hopeless at times. I am not always able to see the "rainbow" in the storm, but i have the comfort of knowing that even though i cant see it sometimes, it is still there. When i find myself in a hard time i find comfort in the fact that "God is in control" and that he won't leave me or forsake me!

Ryan and i don't know what the future holds for us, we are not sure when or where our next job will be. We don't know if we will get to go back to the US or if we have more "ExPat" time in front of us. What we do know is that God may close doors but he always opens windows and as long as we are in his will we will be fine wherever the friendly skies take us!!!

Goodbye sweet Blade girl....

My heart has never hurt as bad as it did today when i had to put my sweet angel Blade to sleep. Now this dog was far more than a dog. She has been my faithful and loyal companion for 15 years. I remember the day i picked her out at the pound. She cowered in the back of her kennel and i knew if i didn't take her no one would, so i took my timid puppy home and gave her the best life i could.

We moved into my very first apartment together, she was with me through a "left at the alter" heartbreak, then with me during my marriage to my first husband. She got me through the rough times that followed my divorce and onto my marriage to Ryan. She was there to greet our sweet baby Ella Mae the first time we brought her home and put up with toddler abuse even in her old age of arthritis.

The only regret i have is that i have had to leave her these last 2 years while i have been living over seas, but i am blessed that she has been well cared for by our friends and was surrounded by her pack, DeoGie and Kooter.

My heart breaks today as i was not prepared to put her down, but after some grim news on blood work it was decided that this was the best thing to do for her. My daughter picked her as the favorite and referred to her as "Blaze" and i was sad that she will not get to play with her anymore, but so blessed that they met each other.

Blade was the kindest, sweetest old girl that i have ever known. We estimate her age to be near 17 and she has hung in there through many cold winters despite her horrible arthritis. Today she gave me a goodbye kiss, something she doesn't do and then she laid in my arms and fell asleep happy and peaceful. My heart is broken, but i am a true believer that right now my silly girl is playing in the greenest field you can imagine, running and rolling and totally pain free. One day i will see her again and those perky ears will welcome me to paradise.....

Pay Tribute.....

My small community, i call home, here in the gorgeous Black Hills was hit with true tragedy the week we returned from India. 3 police officers were brutally shot, 2 died and one is recovering. It shook out little community violently....

Today Ella Mae and i had the privilege of standing along the precession route as they carried fallen officer Nick Armstrong to his final resting place, last week they buried Officer Ryan McCandless. Although i have never met either of these 2 very brave men, my heart was struck with the loss of not only 2 brave officers, but 2 young men who were just getting their lives started. I grieve for those that knew and love them, all those they left behind. As the thousands of people drove by headed to the cemetery i could not hold back the tears. The law enforcement community took a huge hit in this and it was evident on all of their faces. So many people came from all over the Midwest to pay their respects.

We are not a large community, we are small and close. We still smile at those we don't know and happily hold doors open for each other, this just isn't the place where police officers get shot in broad daylight! Still now i sit here trying to express what i feel with tears threatening to fall. I feel so proud of our City as we have stepped up and honored our fallen protectors. It mends the heart a little to know that we are still small enough to care! Our men and women of law enforcement are there for us at all costs, so i will certainly remember that next time i get pulled over, that maybe i am to blame and not the officer just doing his/her job.

I am blessed to be a part of such a great city filled with amazing people, God bless you Officers McCandless and Armstrong, may you be in paradise tonight. My prayers will remain with those you loved who are left behind......

The Epic Pair....

Today as i finished out 8 weeks of my diet/exercise routine i got to thinking about those skinny jeans that are sitting on the top shelf of my closet, you know the pair, every girl has one. They are that pair that fit only once for 2 days and then never again, or the pair that you bought dreaming of the day that you could squeeze into them. I am happy that my epic pair of skinnies are back home and not here tempting me to try them on 10 times a week to see what changes have occurred. True, i do have a pair of "skinny" jeans here but they used to fit before i got pregnant and so the fact that they fit again is exciting but no where near the same as if i could squeeze into the pair back home. I remember the last time (only a handful of times) that i wore them, they were the jeans that told me all of my efforts had payed off, i was the smallest i had ever been and i liked it, but apparently i didn't like it enough to keep up with the routine!

I am pleased with my results as of this moment, and for the first time in my life feel like i am doing it all right and am making a life change, not just a temporary or fad diet change. I love my exercise routine and eating healthy is not a diet as far as i am concerned!

So for you, you beautiful pair of jeans waiting in my closet.....We have a date, only 4 weeks from now and i am going to do my best to fit you by then!

The fork in the road

Lately i have been thinking about the past, and when i say past i mean all the way back to my late teens early adult years. I wonder to myself, what would i do differently?????

Would i have followed my dreams to the East Coast for school to pursue a career in Equine physical therapy? Would i have stayed at home with my parents a bit longer? Would i have gone out for sports and really lived up every second of being in school? Would i have dated more and taken life less seriously? Would i have ever picked up that first cigarette or drank that first sip of alcohol? Would i have said "i do" the first time around, or run from the alter as i knew i should have? Would i have put down the candy bar and picked up some fruit? Would i have made more of an effort in my friendships or stayed withdrawn? Would i have stayed close to God through my entire journey or drifted away over time?

So many questions, so many options, so many different outcomes. I look at these young people starting this journey, and i hope and pray for them that they will live life to the fullest. There is no point in looking back or you will miss what is happening right in front of you! The fact of the matter is that if i had changed course at any given time in my life i would have missed out on all of this! I am so happy that things turned out the way they did for me. I am so blessed that God has blessed me so richly. Some days i may not be the biggest fan of the path i am on, and the decisions that i have to make, but i have learned that through Faith the burden is off of my shoulders. Thank you God for lessons learned!

Grinding the daily grind

A month ago I was begining to feel very down, lonely from Ryan's long hours and no one to share the time with, tired from never getting any me time away from all of my responsibilities, disheartened from the distance that spanned me and nearly everyone i love, and confused as to the direction God had planned out for my future....

Now a month later so much has changed, and i have realized that all of these times in my life are symply "seasons" they never last very long but they always lead into something new!

Bec and i have had much time to talk and keep each other company as our men work hard flying all over the country. We have also gotten into a routine that gives not only 2 hours of uninterupted play for our girls 5-6 days a week, but also and hour each of Mommy time as we take turns at the gym. It has been awesome! Everyday i look forward to my time with the 2 girls and alone at the gym working on my waist line. It is nice for both of us and honestly the girls truly love each other and look forward to their time together!

Our amazing babysitter Bethany gifts me with an afternoon off every single week where i indulge in a pedicure and time to quietly read my book or listen to my ipod and relax. She is amazing with Ella Mae and she loves her time with her babysitter!

This new fellowship for Ella Mae has caused massive developmental growth, she is saying new words every day and now signs enthusiastically when it comes to eating. She loves to play and is making new bonds all the time. Right now is a bit of a tough time for her as she is working on what looks like 4 teeth and she is going through seperation anxiety so i do have more tears than usual but with all of the time for me to "recharge my batteries" daily it makes this stage so much easier!

The more i miss home the more i realize that this IS home and that i need to stop "wishing" my time away here. God wants me here, and there are things i want to see brought to completion before we leave. I will truly miss India when i leave, so as much as i miss my friends and family back home this is a short chapter in my life and i need to be "all in". My life in India is very simple, and no matter how i try to explain that to anyone that has never lived here there is just no way to truly make you understand. I dont have the usual hassels of the busy US life, although i now have the hassels of India living which is a whole new ball game.

I have learned so much!

Running in place

I feel as if life is getting away from me, i cant seem to get anything to slow down enough for me to keep up, and yet time seems to be standing still! I really some how deluded myself to think that at the point of spiritual growth i have achieved over the last 2 years that i would finally start to feel like i am "getting" it, but the truth is that you never "get it" and the growth never stops. That is of course something to be happy for and something to celebrate, but i will be honest, sometimes the "spiritual pruning" is hard!

I have learned, nearly successfully to "let go and let God" on most areas of my life. That for me is AMAZING since i tend to be the most uptight stressed out person on this planet! Over the last 2 years i have changed and grown and for that i thank God, because only he could have done this, i certainly don't have the power. My latest struggle is an interesting one...

I am weary, physically and emotionally! This morning i realized that i have been faithfully handing over my emotional weariness to God, but have not once asked him for help with the physical side. I know when God is "talking" to me, it is unmistakable, especially when i have been ignoring him! I have been fighting this sleep deprivation since pregnancy and of course during pregnancy and nursing i was not able to take the sleep aid my Doctor prescribed. The last couple of months i have gone back on Ambien, which i can only take on nights when Ryan is home, leaving me completely exhausted on nights he is not since i can't seem to fall asleep. Lately my heart has been heavy over having to take Ambien, and so i argue "but God, when i don't take it i lay awake all night" still hearing him say "you don't need it." It's funny how faith works....It's an ever growing state of mind. Just because i have great faith in some things i have realized i have very little faith in small things! God is big enough to give us our miracle baby, but not big enough to help me sleep?????? Seriously, i am actually disappointed in myself for overlooking this!

I am happy that i feel this "guiding" if you will, it shows me that God is continually at work in my life, the real trouble starts when i stop hearing him! Just as the rose bush needs pruning to blossom into beautiful, fragrant flowers so to do i need continual pruning and weeding to keep me growing and becoming the woman that God wants me to be!

Around the world and yet....

Yes, it is true that this year has been a year of adventure and travel for us. I am so busy that i haven't even blogged about 2 of our trips, one to Rome back in September and Bali just earlier this month. Now some would say, wow i would give anything to go the places you have gone and see the things you have seen, but i have to say that i would trade all of these trips for more time back in the US with family and friends. It's easy for people who have never left the comfort of their country to not fully grasp what it is like to spend so much time on foreign soil. Yes, it is an amazing experience that we will forever treasure, and yes we have seen things i never imagined in all of my wildest dreams, we have met amazing people along the way and all of these things are valued, but when you are truly homesick all the 5 star resorts on the planet cant compare!

I don't take these trips for granted and i am not trying to sound spoiled, but i would in a heartbeat trade Bali, Rome, and even Thailand for more than a few weeks in the US 2 times a year! I want to lay in my bed and bask in the quiet of the country. I want to play with my dogs and watch my daughter with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I want to drive my car to nowhere just because i can. I want to shop at Walmart where i can actually get all my needs fulfilled in one location (something i hated before i came here, but would give anything for now). I want to sit with Sarah and watch our kids play together, and i want to spend time with these few women who have stuck by my side through all of these years when the rest of the friends faded away. I miss girl time with my sister and sitting with my Mom.

The trips are great, but the grass is not as green as you may think. Funny how we always want to be where we are not! Don't get me wrong, i am so very thankful to God for our time in India and the opportunity to see the world...It has changed my life forever and i could never regret a moment of it! I am, however, ready for a long break back in the US, something we have not had for 3 years now! I am missing all of my freedoms that i used to take for granted! Especially my freedom of Religion, something America not only takes for granted, but lately seems to be pushing to the way side! I am happy that i got to come here and truly find out how blessed i am as an American. So for now i will enjoy my travel and count my blessings, until God sees fit to plant our feet firmly on American soil for good!

Birthday In Bali

We decided to spend Ella Mae's first birthday in Bali. We love Thailand and were very excited to check out this new Indonesian island paradise. I have to say that Bali is breathtakingly beautiful and the statues and carvings are amazing. It is filled with friendly people and rich in culture.

My absolutely favorite part of Bali was the thunderstorms. We vacationed on the end of the peak season, nearing the start of the wet season, but it was the perfect time in my opinion. The weather stayed pleasant the entire time, not to hot not to cold. The afternoon thunderstorms would roll in and there is just nothing like it! We enjoyed most of our meals at the hotels Cocos beach bar. It is literally sand floor with thatched roof and nothing but glorious ocean for a view.

This vacation we had decided would be one of relaxation, so we did not go out and explore the island too much. We did however drive a good part of the island to get to the Bali Safari and Marine park and that is a must see if you ever visit Bali. The animals were healthy, well kept and spectacular! It is a beautiful park! I don't regret our decision to stay close to home, as it allowed us to give Ella Mae proper rest. She loves the pool and the ocean and we spent our days in both. Ryan and i both enjoyed a beachside massage in the resorts outdoor spa huts...There is nothing quite like having a massage while listening to the ocean (live) and feeling the wind blowing off the water, it was the most relaxing massage i have ever enjoyed!

I will say that the water and the beaches could not compare to Thailand however. Yes, the water and beaches we experienced were clean and well kept, but they did not have that beautiful azure water of Thailand or the coral white sand beaches we fell in love with at Phuket. Bali had its own unique charm that made it a completely different experience from Thailand, but if the choice is down to beaches and water then Thailand wins, hands down!

Bali felt like a land of ancient ruins surrounded by lush jungle, it was gorgeous. I loved the feel of stepping back into a timeless place...There was truly something magical about this island. I am happy that we chose to stay in the Tanjung Benoa/Nusa Dua area instead of choosing the touristy Kuta beach area. Our resort was located near the top of the peninsula so we were further from the manicured Nusa Dua zone, and got more a feel of the real Bali.

All in all it was a good choice and i am happy that we got to experience Bali, it will forever be in my heart! Next stop will of course be Thailand, we have truly fallen in love with the country and there is so much more to see!!!!

The birth of our miracle

Its hard to believe that a year ago i was just beginning the journey of Ella Mae's birth. The 18 hours of labor and the final push to bring her into this world are a memory, but one that i will carry with me for all time. The very second that the Dr's placed her in my arms i knew i would love her forever, and that i would lay my life on the line for her always, what i didn't know is that feeling, that powerful love would only multiply with each passing day, week, month and now year. I love her more now than i ever imagined i had the capacity to love. Some nights i hold her while she sleeps and it feels she is the reason my heart beats! True, as she gets older we have begun the power struggle, and some days are not all fun and games...Good or bad days, regardless are the best days simply because Ella Mae is here with us and we are a family.

This year has been an amazing experience. We have watched her grow from a helpless infant to a daring toddler. Watching her little body grow and her amazing mind develop, all things that are such a blessing to be part of. The one characteristic that never ceases to amaze me is her never ending love and adoration for us. She gives hugs with out asking, she kisses us often and gives us her trademark head butts just to show she cares. Even after not getting her way she is never greedy with the love, she offers it freely and openly. Her heart is so big, and every second with her makes my heart bigger.

I thought i fully understood love, but i am sad to say that i never knew of this love, this powerful, deep and undying love that i feel for my daughter. Loving her has taught me to better love all people in my life. I take my cues from her, i forgive easily and show love fiercely. I can not imagine a minute of my life spent without her and i look forward to watching her continue to grow and change. Ella Mae is incredible...I really cant say much more than that.

This last year has brought Ryan and i to a new level of love and our family to a new level of faith. God is amazing and he blessed us above and beyond with the gift of our baby girl. This year we will sing happy Birthday to Ella Mae in Bali Indonesia, which is fitting of her jet set life that she has had since birth. She is an adventurer and wherever Ryan and Ella Mae are is home. Thank you God, for an amazing husband and the miracle of my baby girl Ella Mae....My blessing overflow!!!!

Transformed

I have had a lot of time for soul searching over these last few months, and i have come to many realizations. Today i was looking at a friends FB page and i found a recent picture of Kira. I cant stop crying now....

Becca and Kira have been the biggest part of our little world here in India for a very long time. Our girls really have grown up together, and we have been together for most all of the amazing milestones. Kira and Becca have been back in the US for over 2 months now and wont be back for another month and it has been the hardest time in my journey of India. I knew i would miss them, but i had no idea how deep my love had grown for them, not as passing acquaintances but as family. Here in India, Justin, Becca and Kira are our family. Being without them for so long is just as hard as missing the rest of our family and friends that are back in the US.

For the first time here in India i felt as though all of the pillars i leaned on were thousands of miles away, and so i turned all of my focus onto my foundation....My God, my husband and our child. This time brought me to new leaps in faith, into a new calling from my heavenly father. Taught me to be strong when i feel my weakest. I learned to reach out of my little shelter and seek companionship from others, to step out of my comfort zone and make new friends. Ultimately this time was used to give me new strength to prepare me for our final goodbye to our very dear friends when the time comes. I don't even want to think about India without them, it will not be the same India that i have found a home in.

Living this expat life means that people come and go, you make some new passing friends and others last a lifetime. Our daughters shared an amazing time in their life together and i have no doubt that Becca and i will find a way to keep these girls, and ourselves in touch. I honestly cant imagine my life without them in it. So as i have held tightly to my very vital friendship with the King's so will i cling to this friendship with the Lloyds. Friendships are not dime a dozen, but a rare precious gem, that when found must be kept for all time! Yet another lesson i have learned well in my time here in India!

India, with each passing day is less and less about a job and more and more about God having my full attention and a chance for me to be transformed in ways i never imagined. I came to India a lost caterpillar, as of now i sit growing and changing in my cocoon, and one great day i will emerge a butterfly and my wings will finally carry me home......

Letter to India

Dear India

I just wanted to let you know that i am done fighting you! There are days when i hate you and then others where i wonder what i will do when i leave you. You have brought me joy and laughter, fear and pain. You have taught me to wait on God and to no longer try to control everything around me. God sent me to you for a reason, he knew that i would learn so much while i was here. You took my world and turned it upside down. Had i not given in to God and come to you i would have never know how deep and amazing my marriage could be, and i would have never experienced God's miracle of my sweet baby girl. I have met new and amazing friends through you and learned to be humble and honest. You have drained me to the point of wanting to give up and then you have brought fresh perspective and a will to go on. I thank you for showing me all that you have to offer and for being you and only you. One day i will leave you and although i will never forget you i will close you like a happy chapter of my life that i lived to the fullest. God sent me here and so i know where he sends me next will be just as amazing of a journey as this one.

Kind Regards,

Karen

Prayers for Japan

You know, it is so easy to get caught up in your own little bubble but life likes to slap you right in the face and show you some serious perspective.

I truly can't complain as this last week has been filled with answered prayers for me. We got some very good financial news that was pivotal in keeping our home, Ryan's medical came back perfect, new members have come forward to help serve in the church, my back went out after Sarah and Ryan left and our friends were able to stay with me for a couple of days to help with Ella Mae, which turned out to be an answered prayer for them as well. I could keep going because honestly we have been bountifully blessed.

Today i face an empty house for the first time since we came back from Thailand, and i felt my heart begin to ache a bit, so instead of feeling sorry for myself i began reading about the earthquake/tsunami in Japan and i no longer feel even a bit sorry for myself. I will continue to pray for all of the people affected and am thankful that Hawaii and the west coast of the US seem to have been, for the most part, spared from this disaster.

Life is never simple, but if today you are feeling sorry for yourself for whatever reason, why not turn your thoughts over to those who are searching for missing loved ones who will probably never be seen again, or pray for those who lost everything and have no idea where to go next. Pray for those who are working to save lives and for those who are waiting to be rescued. Instead of buying another name brand pair of sunglasses or purse send some money to give aid to those who can no longer feed their children or give them shelter. Take this as an opportunity to look beyond your own longings, hurt, or pain and reach your heart out to those who are truly less fortunate. You may just find that in putting your focus on people in a far worse condition that you no longer know why you were feeling sorry for yourself in the first place. I know that is what i am going to do, actually i cant even remember what i was so bummed about before i started writing this.

Back to reality

It has been a nice couple of weeks. We started off with an amazing vacation, come home to Sarah arriving from the US and have been busy, busy, busy. It has been nice to have so much going on to keep my mind off of all the things coming up. I am hurting over Becca and Kira not being here, they are my reality link and i miss them terribly. Ella Mae has been testing all limits lately, from no longer eating baby food, to refusing milk completely, throwing temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way and fighting sleep. I know that these things are the normal progression as she gets older and tries to work things out for herself, but it is hard and the battle is no fun. I have been able to get things done around the house having Sarah here to help me entertain her, and now Sarah is leaving, Ryan is leaving and i am going to be completely alone for a little while. It is really hard to go from a full house to an empty one.

We have had a fantastic time sharing Hyderabad with Sarah and it is fun to get out and do the "tourist" thing for a change. We never go out and explore the city, and we saw some very neat places. This city really has far more than meets the eye. Sarah was an amazing comfort to have around and Ella Mae loved spending time with her. It was a blessing to have those 2 weeks together!

I am fine here in India, i have my life figured out and although it is a bit dull it is comfortable. I really miss my US friends and family, and i really miss SD right now. Normally we would be heading home in a few weeks as we try to get home at least every 4th month but it will be more like 7 months this time. We are excited for Bali and i know it will be amazing, but all the travel in the world cannot replace the feel of home!

I am going to try to stay focused and keep busy. I have already scheduled a play date with Shelley and Yasmine this week and we will get to see Jacqui and Sam on Sunday so Ella Mae will get to have some fun and that is what truly matters. There are many amazing people over here that we get to share our life with for a short amount time and i am going to take advantage of all that India has to offer.

Lets eat cake!

We decided to celebrate Ella Mae's first birthday a month early so that her Aunt Sarah could be with us. I have been struggling with not being able to celebrate such an important day properly. Most of our friends here will be home on block off and it just didn't feel right to only celebrate with the 3 of us in Bali, so on Saturday the 5th we had her official, unofficial 1st birthday party.

She still wasn't too sure about the whole gift thing and after she opened the first one all she wanted to do was play with that and had no further interest in opening any more. We had a few little temper tantrums as i took the first gift away to try to draw her interest in the other gifts. Mostly i opened them and she chewed on them.

The cake, at first, was a mystery to her. She picked at it, but was unsure of what it was. With a little help from "uncle Justin" who showed her how it was done, she got brave and dug in. In the end we had the classic cake mess with our daughter covered head to toe in cake and riding a pretty nice sugar buzz. It was so much fun to watch her play and experiment. She is growing up much to fast for me!

I was convinced she was never going to go to sleep after the festivities, but after a bath and a cuddle she CRASHED and went right to sleep.

The party, although small, was a success. I feel like we actually got to celebrate properly. It was nice to have Justin and Erin here to help us wish our little lady a Happy Birthday! Now we will have to do it all over again in Bali and then in SD when we get home! Lucky girl, 3 parties!!!!

Incredible Thailand

What an amazing vacation! Phuket was just what our little family needed! I cant express how incredibly beautiful Phuket was, it was like a dream. Our hotel was right on Patong Beach which is a very busy tourist area. The beach, however busy, was well maintained, no trash and the water was incredible! It was clear and beautiful and the water was like stepping into a warm bath.

This was Ella Mae's very first time at the ocean and although a bit apprehensive at first once she started splashing she was hooked! Between the 3 beautiful hotel pools to the gorgeous Andaman Sea there was plenty of water for her to enjoy. She did amazing on this trip, she never ceases to amaze me. She was perfect on the flights and took her naps in the stroller, the car, the boat or the room depending on where we were when she got tired. She really didn't put up much of a fuss. She even cut a tooth while we were there and although it disrupted her sleep a bit, her mood remained happy and playful.

I have always wanted to see Maya Bay, where " The Beach" was filmed and now we were only a boat ride away. We talked about it more and more and realized, although Ella Mae would handle it, we would be asking a lot of her and putting her on a boat for a very long day out in the sun, so in the end our plans changed. I have to say this change turned out to be better than i dreamed. Our hotel suggested we take a half day trip to Khai Nui and Khai Nok where we could snorkel and the fish swim right up to you so it is a preferred trip for people with kids. We were sold!

The boat ride out was enjoyable and i was awe struck again by the raw beauty of this place. The water was an amazing deep saphire over the reefs next to this gorgeous bright sea green covering the whitest sand i have ever seen. The water was so clear you could see forever and the fish flourished. We arrived at Khai Nok, a tiny island to small to go ashore. The boat stopped off shore and we were offered to snorkel off the boat surrounded by amazing reefs. The water was a little rough that morning so we all decided to go on to the next island where we could snorkel off the beach. There are no words to describe the beauty of this island, it was small, uninhabited amazing white sand beach surrounded by the most amazingly clear and beautiful water that i have ever seen! The ecosystem is so healthy that this little island off the reef was a nursery for juvenile fish and they literally swim to shore and swarm around you. During Ryan and my time of snorkeling we saw a variety of fish, the trumpet fish and a beautiful clown trigger fish were our two favorite of the day. Ella Mae loved looking at the fish that swam near the shore, she had an amazing time on this incredible little island!

In our week long stay we enjoyed the aquarium, walking through the street markets, but most of all we enjoyed our time in the water! I am dying to get back and explore more of the island, it just had so much to offer that we have barely scraped the surface! Phuket Thailand should be on every ones destination list if possible, it is AMAZING!

We spent a little bit of time in one of our very favorite places, Bangkok, and we even took Ella Mae on a long tail boat ride. She loved the boat and seemed to enjoy the wind on her face. It was an amazing vacation! Next stop.....BALI!!!!

Expat extravaganza!

So today is the first day of our block off (vacation) and it has been nice to have Ryan home while we get ready to go, normally he would work right up to when we needed to fly out but he picked up an extra shift to get today off. So as our countdown hit 2.5 hours until departure Ryan decided to take a shower while i fed Ella Mae. All was good until i heard him trying to open the door, followed by "Karen, i need some help." Um yea, that was not good!

The bathroom doorknob had broken so when you turn it, it no longer pulls back the pin that lets the door open. He asked me to slide a butter knife under the door, but there is zero clearance on these doors and so now we had a bigger problem, the door could only be fixed from his side and i had all the tools on mine. There is a window in our bedroom near to the window in the bathroom, but still much to far for reaching with an arm and they also put bars on all windows here in our complex so it just wasn't happening. I decided to attach tools to the broom handle with a pony tail holder and pass them to Ryan that way, and it worked!!!

We had a flight to catch in just 2 short hours so this, although a bit funny, could potentially be a problem! I called the maintenance office explaining the urgency but everything takes a long time here so i knew that even if they sent someone and he could do anything it would be awhile. I then called another of our Expat friends and i know they really wanted to laugh, but said they would be right over! I said a little prayer and began to feel a bit better.

Ryan was having no luck with the butter knife and the doorknob was nearly impossible to remove so we were stuck. Our friend's arrived with tools in hand and one kept Ella Mae company as we assessed the situation. We passed more tools to Ryan who attempted to take the door from its hinges, but again showed that the craftsmanship of these doors, jams, and knobs were a true mystery. Everyone, trying to maintain a level of seriousness but having a hard time considering that my dear husband was locked in a tiny room with nothing more than a towel on while a growing group of us were gathering outside the door trying to figure out what to do. The maintenance guy arrived and he cracked a smile a few times when he realized what was going on, but had no suggestions on what to do. So it seemed we were going to have to break down the door. Our 2 friends were prepared to start ramming when they decided to see if we could first remove the handle from the outside and so one returned to his apartment for more tools. Ryan continued to struggle with the flat head screwdriver trying to pry back the pins. I began envisioning them having to cut the door down with a hacksaw!

Finally, by answered prayer alone, Ryan got the door open and turned to the maintenance man saying "these doors suck." The man who spoke little to no English said nothing and seemed a bit shocked at my husband in a towel. I about died as the rest of us cracked jokes with Ryan, still in a towel. With much thanking everyone went back about their day and after being sure that the door would not lock on me, i took a shower. I realized that if the tables had been turned i would not have known what to do and it would have been worse, me being stuck in there. God was looking out for us for sure! Ryan then commented that it would have been bad if that had happened when i was all alone caring for Ella Mae, YUP, THAT'S IT NO MORE SHOWERS FOR ME WHEN I AM HOME ALONE! LOL

So we started off with a bang and i think actually it was nice to find humor in the situation, after all, no harm done and it happened when we were here together so now we know there is a problem that needs fixing.

Time for a week on the beach of Phuket Thailand!

Profound moments

There have only been a few times in my life where i have actually heard God say "move" and so this being one of those times i did not ignore him, but did exactly as he told me to. One verse has been laid on my heart and honestly i am tingling in anticipation to see what he has in store for us!

Last time this happened we were gifted with our miracle baby Ella Mae!

~Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it

on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.~ Philippians 1:6

Nearly 3 years ago our adventure in India began. There have been many twists and turns and a fair amount of ups and downs, but one lesson well learned is that God has a plan and you need to surrender to it.

When we first arrived i half heartily searched for a church, but being we had no driver and were very far from all things i gave up knowing that i would never go to church in this country alone and Ryan's schedule made very little time for him to join me. Around Christmas i received a letter from a woman i had never met and our only connection was a mommy and me group here in Hyderabad, inviting all of us mommies to her Church's' upcoming festivities. I passed this note by, but it lingered on my heart. For anyone who has never experienced God talking to you, i will tell you this much, if you don't listen the first time he will begin to yell and you wont have a choice but to do as told!

A week back i decided to come out of my shell and expand my world and took a lunch date with one of the mommies. We had a nice time and began discussing religion and what a complication it can be in a place like India where there are so many conflicting ideals crammed together. She suggested that her friend had just planted a church and that maybe we could go check it out. I literally felt God standing over my shoulder saying "how many times must i tell you..." I heard him loud and clear. Without hesitation i went home and emailed this woman that i had now only met once in passing and she responded that they had planted a small church and invited me to come.

I cant explain to you what happens when you finally not only hear God, but chose to listen. It is amazing! I was very excited and after researching their church affiliation and finding it to be right along with all of my beliefs i couldn't wait to tell Ryan that i may have found us a church home, and then on cue satan stepped in and "rained on my parade". Ryan and i got into a huge fight over nothing and the excitement was lost almost to the point where i had decided not to go, but i felt God urging me to fight this battle and win! I found the best way was to rebuild my excitement so i began talking to Ryan about it and as the talk wore on the excitement of the possibility became contagious! Unfortunately Ryan's schedule would make it impossible to join me but in the future we will try to go as a family!

I do not do well in new settings, especially on my own, i can be easily intimidated, but something amazing happened. I have not slept well in forever and so i am truly exhausted day in and day out. Going to church would mean messing up Ella Mae's sleep and food schedule which could mean a LONG day for me. I woke up Sunday morning after a refreshing nights sleep and felt ready to take on the world! I hadn't felt this good in a long time, God had provided!

Our driver found the house without trouble, a feat in itself here in this huge city, and i was greeted warmly as i was the first to arrive. I have to say that i felt none of the insecurities i am used to and i felt welcome and at home immediately! My new friend and her husband arrived shortly after (they are the pastoral team, he preaches she does praise and worship). They welcomed me and we waited as more people arrived. The group was a mix of 3 languages and so the message being preached in English went on to be translated into Hindi and Telugu. I did not know the words to the new songs we were singing, but something new happened....As i closed my eyes and began to sing along as best i could, humming most of the time i began to feel the Holy Spirit move in that place. My eyes were constantly on the verge of crying, my heart was happy and i felt renewed! My over tired baby sat well behaved during the hour and a half service, even throwing in a happy squeal at the appropriate time!

I have always gone to church to be "fed" but today i found myself in a new position. I was there to pray over the lost and to lift my praise to God. The service was basic and fulfilling. It served the purpose it was meant to, to lead new people to the Lord. It wasn't the deep service meant to feed those who had a long term relationship with the Lord (which can be overwhelming to new comers), but to reveal Jesus to the lost. I finally felt as if i was serving a purpose. Simply by being there, interceding on the behalf of those that were lost, praying for those who needed prayer and lifting all of India up to God. It was powerful, so powerful that this blog entry gives it no justice! I walked away from today excited for next Sunday! One man gave his heart to Jesus today, i cant remember the last time that i was in a small enough setting to be able to witness such an intimate time in a new Christians life! It is now my job to pray for this man every day, to ask God to truly reveal himself to this man, to bring about change, to not let it just be and empty statement but for his life to be forever changed. God has big things planned here in Hyderabad India, and i cant wait to be part of it! It is awesome that I can make a difference by simply praying for and being part of a church service. Now i am blessed with Christian fellowship, something that i have truly missed. I love gathering together with others who love God, there is something so healing about it!

Praise God, i cant wait to see what he has in store for us now!

Perspective

Again i sit, wide awake, truly exhausted, and no where near able to sleep. I dont have anything pressing going on, so i have to wonder what is keeping me up. My life is simple, being over here in India. I no longer have the stresses of a full time job, or the worries of living paycheck to paycheck, the things that used to keep me up, so what is my problem!

It is a puzzling thing to take an American and stick them in a developing 3rd world country. I think it really makes you think about your life, your direction, and what is truly important. I find myself getting frustrated with the things i am hearing others talk about back home. I find myself wondering if i was truly as selfish as i think i was. I find myself having a hard time relating to a lot of the things i used to call "day to day".

Your perspective changes a lot when you are throw out of the box. Little eye openers are around me at all times. I am a foreigner living in another world while still trying to live as a foreigner. In some ways they have made that possible, and yet i cant help but feel that there is still this "need" attitude that i should be working to rid myself of.

Perspective...My average grocery bill for 2 weeks back home is roughly $150. My average grocery bill in India for about a week is $150. Our drivers pay for the entire month is $240. Now, i shop at an import store because i am accustom to a certain taste, and i want to be able to enjoy the food i am used to. We pay our driver above average, and he would never be able to afford to eat the way we do. Just the other day he explained that rice had gone up to a dollar per kg and it was getting too expensive since that is the main food in India. PERSPECTIVE!

People are all about their fancy cars, and i wont say that i can blame them, but i wonder if driving the biggest and the baddest, or the sleekest and the fastest will ever be more than over indulgence to me after this. A car is a form of transportation, not a status symbol. We came over to India in true American style buying a motorcycle for Ryan and a scooter for me all the while we watched families of 4 piled onto the one family bike. I am pleased to say that we sold the scooter and i hope that we sell the bike as well since we have the car and driver now. It was just another reminder of how spoiled we are when Salim would ask when the last time we rode the scooter was and we honestly couldnt remember. Here is a man with a wife and children and how do they all get around? ON THE ONE BIKE! PERSPECTIVE!!!!

I feel my tolerance for so much being drained away. My suggestion, find simplicity and enjoy it. If we focused more on family and less on 2 incomes maybe there wouldnt be so many troubled youth. If we focused more on saving our neighbor and less on saving the whales maybe there wouldnt be so much suffering. If we focused more on giving and less on getting than maybe we would find that deeper level of satisfaction. If we focused more on impressing our husbands and less on turning other mans heads maybe there would be less divorce.

My perspective is forever changed!

Ho-hum

So I don't know what my problem is, maybe it is that i am missing my friends and family back home more than usual because there is so much going on back home where i feel i could be there for them, my friends deployment, my Mom's health, the list goes on and on. Maybe it is that the Lloyds are back in the US and so i am truly ALONE over here especially since Ryan is gone for a week doing back to back overnights. Maybe it is that my little monster has been having a heck of a time teething (she is going for a record, cutting 3 at once). Or, maybe it is just that my life is on track so satan is attacking. Who knows!!!!

I am not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself, there are much bigger things going on than my blue mood and i have so much to be thankful for i hardly feel the right to feel down. I am fortunate to have my husband home most nights, something my friends with deployed husbands can not have right now, so i should not complain. We moved half way around the world so that we could have a "normal" marriage not one where my husband was gone weeks at a time and always sleeping elsewhere. India is not the easiest place to live and when my only friend over here is gone it can be a bit much. It is worth it to see Ryan so much more than we would if we were back in the US and he were working for a major airline. That is a future we may have to face again sooner rather than later and i am terrified of that! I actually find myself praying that our time over here go slow because i know when we go back home i will become an "aviation widow" again and i don't even want to think about that!

Soldiers family

I have been feeling very good lately, happier than i can remember so yesterday when my heart started to hurt and i started to feel very sad i just couldn't put my finger on it. My dear friend Sarah was weighing heavily on my mind and so i sent her off a little note. My dates were mixed up so i was thinking that her husband was leaving for deployment today but i guess God was giving me a hint. On the day that i was feeling so very low, my sweet friend was trying to get through the first day of her husbands deployment. I guess love crosses oceans because it all makes sense, this sadness i am feeling. I wanted so bad to be there for her in this time and we are a world apart. I love these friends of mine like family, and the only comfort i can offer her from my location is that simple fact that her husband is very near to where i am so our love and prayers literally surround him.

To my Sarah, your strength is something truly amazing. You have grace in all that you do and a kindness that radiates from you. Never have i been blessed in friendship as i am with yours. I can not be there by your side on the hard days to come, but know that God will let me know when you are hurting and i will be praying and sending you my love over the many miles. Yesterday was the first time i have felt God actually speak to me so directly in a long time, he told me you were hurting and the emotions i felt were undeniable. You are truly loved by him and he will be with you and the kids bringing comfort as well as with Chris bringing protection. The promise that i make for you is that i will pray for you and your family every single day until Chris comes home, i will think of you often and send as much love as i can your direction. You have an amazing family and before you know it you will all be back together again!

To Chris, there are no words to truly express gratitude to a soldier. People do not truly understand the sacrifices you make for a freedoms that are so taken for granted. I know that you would rather be chasing Alex on his bike or cuddling with Eva than over in some desert. Thank you for choosing the hard road, for being a man of honor and courage. You are an amazing friend and we miss you very much. I will pray for you every day until you come home, asking for strength and protection. I pray that your time pass quickly and that your heart remain full. Thank you Chris for your sacrifices.

To my friends and family reading this....I ask that you also add this great family to your prayers, after all it is because of soldiers like Chris that we have freedom of religion so that we can pray, and freedom of speech so that i can write this. It is because of these amazing military families that we live in one of the greatest nations in the world!

"God, please watch over my dear friends. Please bring comfort to Sarah, Alex, and Eva and help the kids to understand that their Daddy will be home soon. Help them to see that their Mommy needs them to be extra helpful for her right now. Wrap your arms around Sarah and fill her with the love that Chris is sending to her across the miles. Lord i ask that you would help her to remain strong in the moments where she feels she cant and that she would have the energy of the 2 parents she has to be right now. I ask that they would be surrounded by family and friends and be filled with peace. Lord i ask protection over Chris, i ask that you would help him to remain strong in this time apart from his family. I ask that he would feel their love every time that he starts to feel sad or lonely. Keep him safe and bring him home soon. Thank you Lord for this amazing family and for blessing my life with them. Amen."

Life is good

We have a crazy couple of months ahead of us, and i have to say that they have given our time here in India a huge boost! Normally time stands still, in the past we have only taken our block off every 4 to 6 months and that can make time drag on over here. We decided last September, that although we will not go back to the US every 8 weeks, we will take some kind of vacation every 8 weeks to keep our sanity! We have been here nearly 3 years, actually that seems crazy to me, and we have at least another 16 months possibly more so it is time for some fun!

We started out planning a fun trip to Thailand, starting in Bangkok on to Phuket with a visit to Phi Phi Island. We are really excited about this trip, i love beach vacations and it will be so much fun to see what Ella Mae thinks of the sand and the ocean!

We had not decided what we were going to do 8 weeks after that and then our friends the Lloyds offered an amazing trip. Our 2 families will be flying to Milan together and then spending 7 days in Tuscany! We are so excited, this will be such a great time! Our daughters have grown up together and we spend most of our time in India with them, so this will be an amazing memory to add to this adventure. To top it off our little Ella Mae will turn one in Tuscany! I just wish she would remember all of these wild adventures!

So the next 4 months were looking pretty exciting and then it happened. We got some even better news! Ryan's sister will be coming for a 2 week visit in between our 2 trips! There is not much better than having family come visit you when you are so very far from home. My sister came when i was pregnant and it was so awesome for us. It will be great to share this experience with another family member. No matter how much you explain things to people no one can truly grasp what a wild ride this India experience is unless they come here and get a taste for themselves. I am so happy that we were able to extend this opportunity to Sarah, it will be great for Ella Mae to get to spend some time with her Aunt as well. It also gives Becca and i an excuse to explore Hyderabad. We really don't do the "tourist" thing since we live here, so having Sarah come means we will have to show her around. So much to look forward to!

We have then decided that 8 weeks after Tuscany we will take a much needed trip back to the US, so as you can see the next 6 months are going to be incredible. It makes me happy to know that my hard working husband is going to get some much deserved leisure time over the next couple of block offs. Normally we go home and he works his butt off on home remodel, so taking actual vacations where all he has to do is lounge on the beach in Thailand, or poolside in Tuscany is a great feeling!

Life is good!!!!

Strength in the struggle

Today i read back over my IVF entries...The emotions of preparing for pregnancy, finding out i was pregnant and the loss of Ella Mae's twin all came rushing back to me. I think that sometimes i forget the gravity of the amazing miracle that has occurred in Ryan and my life. I am not saying that i am taking the gift of my daughter for granted, quite the contrary, i thank God for her daily and will continue to "give her back to God" every day of my life! I just think that as time passes it can become easy to forget the magnitude of those emotions that i once felt so new and fresh. I am so very happy that i journaled this entire experience and i think i will continue to go back over and read about it time after time so that those emotions can stay fresh and that i will never forget how deeply blessed we are with our miracle pregnancy and birth of our little angel!

The India adventure began nearly 3 years ago and there are a few things i have learned for certain...

If you seek God first he WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS.

If you put God as the center of your marriage you can and will survive all of the trials and you will find that you have a deeper level of love that you never thought possible.

If you hand over your hopes and dreams to God he will answer.

If you give God your fears he will bring you comfort.

If you surrender yourself completely, the possibilities are ENDLESS!

I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in my life i feel that i am finally on the path God intended for me. My marriage isn't perfect, but through Gods love Ryan and i will find the love that we need from each other. We may not know what we are going to do for work when our contract ends here, but we know that God will provide and we will never go "without". I may not be a perfect Mother, but i will show my daughter love and compassion and i will teach her to pray and turn to God in all things. I may not be a perfect friend, but i will offer myself to my friends in whatever they may need. I may not be a perfect sibling, but i would lay down my life for them. I may not be a perfect daughter, but i love my parents with unconditional love that will never fade. My favorite saying, when it comes to Christians, is "Not perfect, just forgiven." I don't pretend to be perfect, or some kind of high and mighty person, but i do live as best i can in the will of God and i will do whatever he asks me to do without second though....God is good after all and he has blessed my life in truly miraculous ways!

ALPS

So today is the much anticipated ALPS day, basically Aparna Towers Day. Part of me has been dreading this day, because India gets really excited about their "holidays" and this special day was to celebrate our apartment complex, so as you can imagine it has been a "big to do". Of course i know what this means, lots of chaos and out of control loud music, and wouldn't you know it, they picked the parking lot under my apartment to have the festivities.

Well today it kicked off and i listened to the DJ doing sound check all afternoon, enjoying the club mix (lol), wondering how entertaining this day was going to be. Then i got the phone call from Becca that changed it all. There was a camel downstairs right below my balcony! I love camels, and i have seen a few in my time here in India, but have yet to get a picture of Ella Mae next to a camel, which is something i really wanted. So Ryan and i headed down to the party with camera in tow!

I couldn't help but share a little in the enthusiasm. It was a mini western carnival. It had vendors serving sweet corn and cotton candy, a magician, a balloon animal artist, a bouncy tent, a puppet show, a tarot card reader, and games like hat toss and shoot the balloons. They were so proud of this event that they actually brought in professional choreographers to teach residents how to do a dance for the show. They have a red carpet and a VIP section in front of the stage, clearly a very big deal!

We had fun walking around and checking it all out. They even brought over 3 Harley Davidson's to put on display. The Hyderabad Harley Davidson store just opened about a year ago and seems to be a big deal. I really felt like i was at a little country fair, minus the rides of course. You could ride the camel however!

We had to call it a night before the show began, but as i mentioned the festivities are right outside my back door so i have been watching some of the dancing. The professional dancers are really rather fun to watch. When the kids came on that had been instructed days earlier by the choreographer i couldn't help but feel like i was at a grade school program. The choreographer even had to get on stage to break up the bunch ball effect that was going on with the little ones, it was so cute!

They are lighting off the fire lanterns, and as long as none of them end up lighting my porch on fire, they are very beautiful. I have to admit, that this is one event that i actually enjoyed. Everyone is very excited about it, and i think that excitement has become contagious, or maybe i am just getting used to the many reasons to party here in India.