Blessing in disguise

These last few years have showed me a lot about myself, my faith, and my willingness to surrender.  For most of my adult life i pushed to the back the hurt i felt over being barren.  It affected me in more ways then just my ability to be a mom, it also made me question my worth on more occasions than i can count.

For me, my inability to conceive and give birth to a child left me feeling very little like a "woman" and more like an empty vessel.  Now God, on many occasions, tried to show me that he could and would fill that emptiness if i would only let him, but still i pushed back.  Up until the point of me FINALLY listening to God and trusting him completely by fully surrendering to my marriage and my path by moving to India, i tried to fill that vacancy with things, but nothing that would help.  When i gave up and let go God not only filled me, but i was overflowing with everything i needed.  No longer did i feel empty and no longer did i long for parenthood. I was at peace, and then God gifted us with our miracle.

If you ask me what i am MOST thankful for in my life, i am talking outside of my relationship with God, my answer would have to be my infertility.  Now that may sound like a funny thing to be most thankful for, but actually it shaped everything about where i am today.  If not for my infertility i would probably be in a very different place in my life.  Because of my infertility i married an amazing man of God who was able to see me as a complete woman and not a woman who would never bare him a family.  In past relationships this had been a HUGE stumbling block and had of course been part of the self worth i so deeply struggled with.  I also know that sometimes i don't appreciate things as deeply as i should and i think for me God knew this was very pivotal to my future.  Because of my infertility i learned to trust my husband completely, i learned to surrender to God unconditionally, and i learned to value every blessing.  My infertility used to define me, and now i look fondly on the complexity of it all.

Sure, you could say that many women have IVF and give birth to children every day and that would be true, but our miracle was so much more than that.  It wasn't about some fertility clinic in India, it was about a journey that began on my 17th birthday and came to completion 13 years later.  It was about the great things God wanted to do for me and for my husband.  It was about coming to the place in my life where i finally understood what it was to "let go and let God."  So many things had to fall into place to put this puzzle together and i look back now on that 4 years in India and i am just floored.  So many amazing things happened, and our lives will forever be changed!

Yes, today again i am infertile.  I will never again feel the kicks of a tiny wonder growing in my womb, and i will never again feel the pain of labor, or hear that first cry, or nurse another newborn.  Yet i am amazingly blessed that God gave me the gift of all those things with Ella Mae.  Now my "miracle" is growing and changing and we are getting to experience new "firsts" every single day.  I will spend the rest of my life adoring my daughter, loving my husband, and worshiping my Savior.  I was given a gift that i can not even fully fathom and as God continues to do amazing things in my little family i am constantly reminded that as long as i put God first and follow his guidance anything is possible!


I can honestly say that i will never again feel pain over my infertility, it is truly a blessing in disguise!

Making this house our home

Ella Mae and Tobias

WOW it has been a crazy summer!  I haven't blogged or done much of anything for that matter.  We have been so busy finishing the last of the remodel that summer flew by and these last few weeks we have just been trying to enjoy the last bit of summer.

I am excited to say that this house turned out better than i dreamed, and although it still needs LOTS of work on the outside, the inside is nearly complete!  It has been a labor of love and there has been no shortage of blood, sweat, and tears but it was all so worth it!  The best part is that, God willing, in the next week or so this house should officially be ours!  I cant thank my parents enough for making this dream a reality, they have been so patient and generous!

Great room/Kitchen BEFORE

Ryan worked his tail off and i felt blessed watching him work so diligently to finish this place, and make it beautiful.  He truly is a jack of all trades.  The house is beautiful and i finally feel home.  As the cool weather of fall creeps in i am just so very thankful for all God has done for and continues to do for us.  This journey is ongoing and with God at the wheel i can only imagine it will be and adventure every day!

great room/kitchen BEFORE

Ella Mae loves her house, her yard, and playing at Grammie and Papas house.  I will admit it has been an adjustment for her.  Her world really did get turned upside down and this summer that has been evident as we have dealt with some very real separation anxiety.  With patience i know this too shall pass and she is already starting to blossom.  I have to keep in mind that for her "goodbyes" really mean goodbye.  She said goodbye to her best friend Kira, Becca and Justin, people that she loved, she said goodbye to Salim who was there from the day of her birth and the first new face outside of us she ever saw, she left a country that was home to her, her apartment and most of her things.  She said goodbye to her first Church and the amazing family of Christians we grew close to.  I am so proud of her courage, she is an amazing child.

Great room/Kitchen AFTER

Kitchen AFTER

Kitchen AFTER

Blue Stained wood ceiling

This summer Ella Mae has changed so much.  She has a sense of humor and a smile that could melt the coldest heart.  She is kind and loving and very sweet.  She cares about the people in her life and talks about them often.  Although she is a bit shy, underneath is a social butterfly ready to spread her wings.  We also added a family member this summer, baby Tobias.  He is a darling golden retriever puppy who plays with Ella Mae and Deogie constantly.  He is a joy and Ella Mae fell in love with him from the moment they met.  Ella Mae is quite a little artist and loves water colors the best which she has no problem coloring herself and Tobias with as well.  She also wears hats constantly, she has quite a variety and switches it up now and then but her favorite this summer is her fedora.

Loft BEFORE

Loft AFTER

 When we weren't working on the house, we were camping with the Kings.  It was so much fun to spend time with our very special friends and i am thankful for the opportunity to camp with them so much.  Ella Mae got to spend time with her Aunt Kissy, cousin Isaiah, Grammie and Papa nearly every day and they got to know each other a bit better this summer.  We also had the great opportunity to have some of Ryan's family come to visit us and got to meet our darling niece Claire.  It was great for us to get to spend time with Ryan's Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister in law, and Niece, it was a real treat!

Ella Mae and Tobias

We took our traditional family hike up Harney Peak in the beginning of September and it was a bit surreal because last year when we took the hike it was on borrowed time due to the hurricane delaying our flight back to India.  I still think of India daily and all the people we left behind.  I am trying to keep life moving forward which for me requires less looking back.  God brought us home and so i need to keep my eyes on his direction.  Ryan and i will be starting level 1 INSTE this fall to further our eventual hope of returning to missions some day.

Top of Harney Peak

This entry does not nearly capture all that has happened this summer but it at least highlights the basics. I am excited for my first fall in 3 years, it will be so nice to watch the colors change and feel the cool weather move in.  This time of year is kind of magical for me, there is just something about it and i am happy to be home!

To eat or not to eat

I have come to realize that there are a few kinds of dieters.  There are 1) the starve yourself to look like a supermodel type, there are 2) jump on the next big fad diet type, there are 3) the work out to burn what you eat type, and there are 4) the real deal balance of healthy eating and healthy activity. I guess there is a 5th type too, the genetically blessed type!

I wish beyond wish that i was #4 or #5 but i am not.  I am inspired by the people who can cut all the junk out of their lives and never look back or the ones that have met their goals and have found the perfect balancing act.  I am sad that so many women are so desperate to appease the general view of beautiful that they ride on every fad diet thrown at them, which might i add only hurts your metabolism in the long run (been there, done that).

I love food, LOVE IT!  You will never know how many times i have woken up and said "OK Karen, today we are getting back on track" only to make it a day or two or sometimes only hours before i am way off coarse.  I have a great group of women who support and give me encouragement and i love them for trying to keep me going. If emotional support was all it took i would have this beat, but sadly thats not enough.

I am an "eater".  What is an eater you ask, well if i get in a mood (could be sadness, loneliness, boredom) i will eat and eat and eat even when i am no longer hungry.  I love food and even when i want to not eat everything in sight it can become compulsive for me. Big life changes like moving back to the US and struggling to find my way into a life i hardly recognize is a really good trigger.  May 2011 i began a dedicated path to physical fitness and healthy eating, and i lost 20 amazing pounds, got healthy and happy.  Yes there were months that things stalled but i felt great and so i never gave up.  Around December when everything in my life began to change drastically i started to stumble and eventually fell flat on my face.  When i began this diet journey i weighed 178 and that was 10 pounds less than i had weighed at pre pregnancy.  Last summer i was at my all time low of 155 only 5 pounds away from my goal of 150.  I stalled for 5 months and then slowly began gaining a little here and a little there.  Now i am back to 165, still 10 pounds lighter than a year ago, but also 10 pounds heavier than 6 months ago.

I laugh at the 120 mark, for me that is not a possibility, i would be disgusting at 120 and have no desire for that.  I only want to be 150, a number that would be mortifying for most women (which i blame on societies twisted vision of women).  I want to be 150 more than anyone could know.  You can say, "if you want it bad enough you would do it" but i say that is not true because i do want it bad enough.  I work out 90 minutes a day at least 5 days a week (with the exception of the last week) and i burn an average of 700 calories a workout.  I know that because food is a problem for me that i need to work extra hard to burn it because i know i am going to eat! I use my fitness pal to keep track of my calories and most days i can keep within my goal but when i fall off the wagon i fall hard. I am a #3 dieter.  So what happens when a #3 gets injured, well they give up all hope and begin to eat!

I have NEVER been skinny.  I went from a size 0 to a size 8 in a summer.  I have no idea what it is like to feel confident in a bathing suit or to not loath the very sight of your own body.  I am a very pretty woman and i have high self esteem in that regard, but my body perception in very low.  I wish i knew what to do, i have tried everything.  I calorie count, only to end up binging at some point in my day, week, or month.  I exercise as best i can even when injured.  Its hard to not get down when you have had such a good stable plan and then it all falls apart for various reason.

I will say that one of the benefits that isn't measured in jean size is my health.  I am healthier than most and that makes me feel like i am getting somewhere, that it is worth it all.  My last physical i was told i had an athletes heart as my resting heart beat is below 50 which is only seen in athletes.  I can run miles, if my knee and hip allow.  I can push my cardio to the limit and still keep it up for extended periods of time.  I know that even though my body may not reflect my hard work, my heart and lungs do and that makes me feel better.  I know part of my problem is that my body has been in menopause since i was 17 so i fight a different battle with weight than most women my age.  Hormones can play a huge roll in weight loss and unfortunately for me that is just something i have to learn to live with.

As you can tell i am more than just a little broken today.  I just want to succeed in my goals and no matter how hard i try this seems to be my outcome, a huge backslide for every small bit of ground gained.  Days like this i wish i was back in India where my lifestyle was far more controlled.  I was able to stick firmly to my goals and work hard at it in India.  The US is home and i will get it all figured out but today "its my party and ill cry if i want to."  Tomorrow i will brush myself off and God willing i will be able to work out and get my "hunger" under control.

I do not believe self worth is a number on the scale.  I do not believe beauty is the jean size you wear.  I do not feel that my BMI defines me, but i would be lying if i said i didn't dream of a leaner, lighter, toned version of myself.  Just once i would like to reach my goal even if i lose it again, i just need to get there!

Now if only i could afford lipo! HA!!!!

The matter of Faith

I have been spending much time studying and putting my focus on God.  Tonight as I was reading an outstanding book, "The Case for Faith" by Lee Strobel I came to an amazing point of understanding...

Again I want to be clear that i am not speaking about anyone else feeling or opinions on this matter, I can only speak the truth for my life and hope that somehow others can find some comfort in my personal discovery.  If you have differing views than that is between you and God and i would only encourage you to reach out to Him and seek the answers directly from Him...

I have a view on suffering that is not understood today in most circles but it comes from faith and the Bible and that is how i try to live my life.  Bear with me and see what i have to say before jumping all over it!  I have never been one to say, "well if God loves us then why do we suffer"?  For me that answer is simple.  We suffer because of sin, we suffer because God gave us free will with our lives and in that comes sin and with sin comes trials and tribulation.  Not one of us is sin free, no matter how good you are or think you are you are not free of sin and the wages of sin are death.  When I speak of sin i am not even saying that your suffering is individual to your sin, but in fact suffering occurs in this world because of all of our sin!  Only Jesus was sin free and as God, chose to carry our burden of sin to the cross where He suffered and died and defeated death.  Jesus felt pain, suffering, abandonment, and betrayal.  He paid the price, and for us to walk with Him requires us to go to the cross with Him.  Some might say, well its easy for you to say you are not the one suffering, and in some ways that may be true.  I will counter, however, with the fact that unless you truly know me you have no idea of my hardships, struggles, and pains.

So onto my realization.  I have suffered with my infertility since the age of 17, it has been extremely painful for me.  Keeping in mind that i am still infertile and i will never give birth to another child, unless of course God were to bless me again.  God made a promise to me when i was 17 that i would have a child, and almost 3 years ago (after 13 years of waiting) that promise came to completion in the conception of my darling daughter.  What i now realize more than ever is that my suffering had purpose, amazing purpose!  Firstly i value motherhood so much more than i ever could have imagined.  I know the old me, and i can say with full certainty that if i had been able to conceive naturally i don't believe i would have made a good mother, in fact i know i wouldn't have!  For my personality to be molded and for my perspective to be changed i needed these events to take place, i needed this transformation out of my own selfishness into thanksgiving!  By God working through this with me i was drawn out of a lifestyle of selfishness and into one of surrender.  This turn around in my life saved my marriage, changed my life, and brought us the most amazing gift we could have ever dreamed of!  There are still days where my heart yearns for the ability to be able to have another baby and then i look at Ella Mae and i am reminded of how incredibly blessed i am already!

Not only has this struggle of infertility changed me, but it has impacted lives around me!  Sometimes we do not know why bad things happen, but that does not mean that the glory of God is not in it, and that the event is not life changing for someone else!  We are not God and therefore can not know all the intricate pieces of the puzzle!  My Mom has suffered with debilitating pain for about 10 years now, she suffers as no one should and yet just the other day as we were talking i asked her why she thinks God has not healed her.  Much to my surprise she informed me that she feels the purpose has been revealed to her and that she sees Gods glory in it (out of respect for her i will not share the intimate details of her discovery).  It is a firm reminder that most of the time people on the outside looking in may not see as clearly as those in the depth of it.  Yes, there are also times when people who are suffering don't see it, and i will not speak for them.  This is after all my personal feelings on the matter.  In most cases you will find that people of faith actually grow stronger in their faith because of the trial or suffering they are faced with.

When i was 17 if you had asked me how i felt about my infertility you would have seen a broken teen who couldn't possibly imagine what good could come of this, i was angry, hurt, and very self destructive.  My self worth was diminished to nothing and there was an emptiness inside of me that was more massive than the Grand Canyon.  All the while God was with me asking to fill the hole, He was asking me to have faith in Him and trust in His promise.  Today if you ask me about my infertility you will find a woman who embraces it, i would not ask for it to be changed for any reason!  Yes, i would love to have more children, but God blessed me with an amazing daughter and his Grace is sufficient for me!  If someone offered me a do over today and said i could get one chance to go back and be 17 and not get the news i received but instead be a complete and whole woman i would run away from that so fast!  I am so blessed by all that this has taught me and i am thankful for the piece of me that still yearns for more because that just reminds me how incredibly blessed i am already and the work that God continues to do in me!  My infertility is the biggest blessing in my life!

I thank God for my infertility and for the heart change it caused in me, for the life change it has made and for the new desires it has put inside of me!  If it had not been for the deep emotional impact that i have from my circumstances i don't think that i would be where i am today, with a heart on fire for God the way it is, with faith that keeps me firmly planted and hopeful.  I have always wondered why i never had ambition for a career, but now i understand that God has plans for me!  He has given me amazing dreams and hopes for my family's future and i feel more and more fulfilled with each passing day.  I can honestly say that there is no better place to be than right where God wants me!

I finally feel back in the swing of things.  It is good to be home!

My life as a pilots wife has been one very big adventure, and although right now it brings us back to the quiet life of the US, i have no doubt we will again find ourselves over seas on more adventures someday! I see Ella Mae growing and thriving, she is happier than i ever imagined and that touches my heart to the root!

I still think of India often, daily actually...Today i reminisced on my amazing travels, I could almost feel the Arabian Sea blowing on my face on the hill top in Kerala, the beautiful palms swaying in the ocean breeze, the birds riding the wind lazily.  I could nearly touch the white sand of Thailand, the crystal clear waters as warm as a bathtub lapping against my feet as i walked in the surf.  The camels walking in the street next to cows pulling old wooden carts and the hurried hustle of Hyderabad.  All these sights and sounds are still fresh in my mind and i will hold them there always.

Being home i have rediscovered the beauty of my Black Hills, the way the clouds roll in before a thunderstorm or the winds blowing through the towering pines.  Spring is in the air and everything is so vibrant!  The sky is a blue that you never see in India and the stars shine so magnificently at night that you can't help but feel closer to God.

I know that God brought us back for a purpose and i have spent time praying over it and studying the guidebook of my life (the Bible).  I am excited to see what God wants for us next, and where he is steering us.  I am thankful that he has provided a job that gives us time together and although it has been an adjustment not having Ryan home at night it is such a blessing to have him here all day!

Life is certainly good and i am excited for the adventures coming up so much closer to home.  Camping in a few short weeks with our good friends the Kings, and a family trip next year to South Carolina.  So much to look forward to, so many good times ahead.

Some of the reverse culture shock still lingers, but i am convinced it will be with me always as i have changed as a person.  The way it think and see things is from a whole new perspective now.  I am so blessed with the opportunities that have been laid before me, and can't wait to see what is next!

Silent a little longer

I realized today that i have neglected my blog since returning to the US, and its not for lack of trying! Life has fallen into the usual fast pace that i have always experienced in the US and i just seem to struggle to find my self in the hustle and bustle called life! I have much to share and a ton on my mind, but i need the world to slow down for a minute so i can gather my thoughts in a coherent manner.....

Prayer from India

This will be my last post from India, wow that seems so weird to say!

Going home is going to be amazing and i am excited to see what God has in store for us. We have had quite the adventure so far, and i know the rest will be just as amazing! As i say my last goodbyes in the next 24 hours i expect i will have some hard moments, but i think i am ready to go now.

Dear God,

I want to thank you for bringing us to India, for healing our marriage and giving us a child. I thank you that through the journey we grew spiritually and came to see what really matters. I could never put into words how grateful i am for the Faith you have taught me with your love and grace. You have made me a better person and i pray that you will keep me in your path as we return home. I ask that you continue to strengthen and watch over my family, and give us the boldness and the courage to do your work. I will continue to follow you faithfully all the days of my life. Thank you God for all that you continue to do, I pray that we will serve you well. Protect and watch over us as we begin this journey home. I ask that you would pour out your blessings on the amazing friends we have made here in Hyderabad. I pray that the ones who are serving you and doing your work will be filled with your strength and guidance, and i pray those who are seeking the truth in their lives will find you. You are truly awesome and i love you with all of my heart. Praise you Jesus, your unfailing love is the strength and the courage i seek! Thank you.....

Amen

Bon Voyage

Our very sweet friends threw us a going away party and it was probably the nicest thing anyone has done for us! We had so much fun with these friends who have grown so very dear to our hearts! I also have to say that i am inspired by their love of Christ and their Faith! It was such a blessing to find so many other Christians in Hyderabad to grow with and lean on! The party was an amazing time of fellowship and the very thoughtful women even had the most amazing cake made for us! We will miss our brothers and sisters in Christ, but we will remain with them in thought and prayer always!

We have determined that God wants us home for a very solid reason, right now America needs missionaries more than ever! The US has lost sight of the very foundations it was formed on and there is a spiritual war being waged that can not be ignored! We hope to return to foreign lands again someday, ultimately we dream to fly for MAF and serve God all over the world, but for now he has called us back to our homeland and we will serve him thankfully there!

Our pastor gave us a scripture at the end of our last India Church service and it was profound and perfect for us!

2 Timothy 4:1-5

I solemnly urge you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus, who will someday judge the living and the dead when he appears to set up his Kingdom:

Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.

For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.

They will reject the truth and chase after myths.

But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you. NLT

I realize that leaving India is much scarier for me than coming was. First off i have grown very close to God in India, i have enjoyed my simple quiet time with him and the ability to focus only on my family and God. India may be challenging, but it is a "quiet" challenge and has allowed me to make huge personal changes in my marriage, my faith, and my spiritual walk. Its time now to "practice what i preach" and that of course is the challenging part. I love a good challenge and as the Bible says "if God is for me than who can be against me".

I know that i am headed towards many personal challenges as i face my old life, one i am not very proud of, and I will move forward always cautious to not back slide. I am coming home with an uncompromising, unpopular attitude, and i expect i will face some real battles because of it. If there is one thing that i have learned from watching the world from afar, is that this word "tolerance" is satan's smoke screen attempting to force Christians to bend to earthly beliefs. Sorry, i will risk being politically incorrect because i believe firmly in the rule book for my life, the Bible, and i will not be swayed. In my travels I have seen the worship of demons in the cloak of idols, prayed against the power of satan as he was being worshiped in my very building, i have felt the heavy thickness of true spiritual warfare, and i want to be sure that i do what God asks me to do so that my life can shine his light every day. The past is gone, i am forgiven, and today is a new day.

Joshua 24:15

"But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

goodbyes are hard

Today we said goodbye to some very amazing people. They are here in India doing God's work and are part of a small group of people that have become very special to me. Although we have not spent much time together, there is a special kind of friendship that is formed when God as at the center of it. We will miss them and will pray for them daily from across the big pond!

We came home and Krupa was just finishing up cleaning, this would be our last time of seeing her. We took some pictures and shared a goodbye that was surprisingly even harder than i thought it would be. She has been such a kind and hardworking housekeeper and a blessing to my household. As she closed the door behind her Ella Mae began yelling "kisses" and was getting upset so i opened the door and she ran to Krupa giving her another hug and a kiss on each cheek. Its moments like this that i wish i could fully explain to her what is going on in complete detail, but she seems to really be grasping that we are saying real goodbyes this time. My heart hurts for her as we begin to break these "connections" and so we continue on the "goodbye path" tonight as we attend a birthday party and tomorrow at our farewell party. The hardest goodbye, of course has already been done (Kira), but the one i am now dreading the most is Salim. Salim is like family, Ella Mae loves him and so do we....Man this is getting hard!

This is really it

It has been 2 weeks since we found out we were returning home, and the time has really flown by. For me it is bittersweet. I am so blessed that God is sending us home, and i am not at all complaining, but i will truly miss India. As we slowly say goodbye to friends, sell belongings, and pack our bags i am beginning to see how very special India truly is to me. This place has broken me out of my own selfishness and allowed me to watch God work. He has made me a new person, a better person, and there is a part of me that fears returning home will bring back the "old me" or at least parts of her.

I was praying over India a few months back, and i felt God tell me that my time in India was nearing a close, that the "green pastures" were coming to an end (at least for now) and that it was soon to be time for me to walk the walk, practice what you preach if you will. I have drawn very near to God in my every day life, i have found that i now spend my day talking to him and desiring him more and more in my life. India makes that easy, my life is simple in so many ways here and it has given me the "quiet time" i needed to listen and hear what i was meant to hear.

Just the other day i sold a pac n play to a very nice Indian woman. A woman i have never met before. When i dropped the pac n play off to her she handed me a card. I waited to read it until i got home. Inside this card was a scripture, the verse was from the Message Bible;

Psalms 27:11 Point me down your highway, God; direct me along a well-lighted path.

What i find truly outstanding is that God keeps sending me words of comfort and encouragement in so very many ways. I contacted this woman again to say thank you for the words, that God truly spoke to me through this card, and she told me that it was an after thought that she felt urged to do it and even worried that it had been the wrong thing, fearing i might be offended. Her husband reassured her that as Christians we sometimes have to risk offense in honoring God when he leads us to do something! AMEN!!! A reminder to all out there who ever feel lead to do something, just remember that God is probably trying to talk to someone in his perfect timing and by obeying you probably brought a blessing to that persons life!

This has been a time of reflection for me, and although going home is a good thing, that does not change that leaving India is hard. I know that i am strong enough to hold to my conviction, and i know that now is the time. I certainly don't want to let God down, he has done so much for me, and i want to be steadfast in my faith.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 For i know the plans i have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and i will listen to you.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.

Now there is a promise i know i can depend on!

Full Circle

Tonight i was lying in bed reflecting on the amazing journey that God sent us on. Ryan and i were talking about how truly unbelievable it has all been, then i opened my Bible and the verse that was before me, on that very page, said it all...

Isaiah 14:24 The Lord Almighty has sworn, "Surely, as i have planned, so it will be, and as i have purposed, so it will stand."

This journey that is India has brought us to a new place, a sanctuary if you will. Our 4 year anniversary of India is drawing near and we have moved to our 4th and final flat. Aparna Sarovar is awesome and it felt like home instantly. I immediately wondered if we had lived here all along if my desire to leave would have been less! It is far out of the city, which means it is QUIET! Yesterday i heard song birds while we were coming in from the nicest park that i have seen in Hyderabad, so far, and it is literally outside my window. It is safe and clean and Ella Mae is in Heaven. This place really knows how to make you feel like you are in another world, in a good way! The only thing i would change is that i wish the Lloyds were still here. Becca and I would have such a nice time watching Kira and Ella Mae play in the park or walk to HUGE grounds!

Funny isn't it how life changes so quickly. God has done so much for my little family that i cant even do him justice in explaining it all. I will say, however that i am happy he brought us here for the close....That is right, i said it! We are going home in just a month! Another answered prayer that came from no where and caught us by surprise! We were not even looking, and God no only found us a job back in our home town, but from first email to hire was less than a week! Gods timing is infinite that is for sure!

This apartment is just a reminder of how easy it would be to settle into my own decision and not listen to God, how we always have a choice and sometimes what we want is not best for us. I will explain, we will be returning to a great job that will allow us to live in our home city and Ryan home every day, a dream in aviation. This job is an absolute answered prayer and we gave it to God from the get go, so i know it is what he wants from us. Here comes the faith part, we will be leaving behind a big paycheck for one that JUST covers our bills. Financially we have not accomplished all that we hoped for and the 2 more years we had planned to stay in India would have paid for the final remodel of our home. It is hard to walk away from the money aspect, but we fully trust God that he will care for us. So here i sit, in this oasis, in an apartment that already feels like home and a cozy life (financially) and we are going to walk away from it all because God knows where he wants us and when he calls you GO! I will also say that since we made the decision to follow his direction home he has taken care of all the worrisome details, and i mean ALL.

If we had not made the scary decision to come to India we would not have Ella Mae, i don't question when God sends us in a direction, even when it is scary! I have learned that the small part of the picture that i see is nothing compared to the masterpiece he is painting. He doesn't promise us that life will always be easy, he just promises that he will help us through and that is awesome if you ask me! I don't expect that we wont have some hard times coming up soon, India was hard and being home will be hard in its own way. I just feel so very blessed by all of this, all the amazing people God has put in my life near and far. I cant believe how this all came together, the power of prayer! This whole ordeal is a test of faith, one i intend on passing! It is a huge leap to walk away from this job, but we are going home!

So this is it, our Expat journeys are coming to a close. Wow, what a wild ride! Never doubt that God has the best plan when you are truly in his will and surrender your life completely. He took us from a good stable job in the US, to an amazing adventure in India that brought us growth in our relationship, spiritual life, and gave us a daughter. We travelled all over the world and saw some of the most beautiful places, and some of the poorest. We learned what is valuable in life and let go of some baggage. Now God brought us right back to the same job Ryan left 4 years ago. If you don't believe in miracles then you have not read my story because everything about this journey from start to finish has been a miracle!

So that's it, in a few short weeks I will no longer be an Expat wife, this chapter in my life is coming to a close. I cant wait to see what is next! GOD BLESS!!!

Day by day

The best reason to dress up is no reason :)

With our dear friends the Lloyds back in the US Ella Mae and i are working on mending our hearts, Ryan at least has the distraction of work, but for us girls the loss is significant. Ella Mae has handled it well, she asks about her friend every day and has even resorted to reasoning with me. The conversation went something like this...Ella Mae- "go on walk with Kira?" Me- "sorry hunny, we can go for a walk but Kira is back in the US to see her Grammie and papa" Ella Mae- "just talk to Kira?" Me- "when Kira gets home we will Skype her so you can see her OK?" Ella Mae- "just want to talk to Kira, now???" Me- "I am not keeping you from her to be mean baby girl, she is in an airplane and we just cant talk to her right now, i promise we will when we can." Final outcome was a few tears and a nice hug. It is so hard when your little one is hurting and you cant explain it to them properly.

We have remained busy and i have started packing and thinning out the mass quantities of things we have accumulated. Still even with all the distractions i still catch myself getting choked up and missing our friends. This too shall pass....

We have had fun Skype dates with friends and family back home every morning this week, and that has been fantastic for us and Ella Mae! Today she even got to see her doggies back home as Jen, being a total sweetheart took the time to Skype us! Tomorrow morning we will do our first ever call with Ella Mae's Dona Jane!

Today we had a very nice play date with some of our other expat friends and it was great to be able to chat and talk about life. Sometimes i feel like i am on another planet, and so being able to talk to people who also know how insane living in India can be is a nice treat (especially now that i don't have Becca to vent to daily). I have to say that it will never be something that i can explain properly and its so nice to not have to try as they deal with it every single day as well! We all miss our home countries and dream of the day we get to go home! I will never again take for granted all of the privileges i get from being an American, and what an amazing country America is, that i know for certain!

I read a blog the other day about reverse culture shock and it was so very true! When you spend years, such as we have, living over seas you become a truly changed person. Unfortunately you find yourself not being able to maintain friendships the same, or you find that no one really cares about your stories and adventures for many reasons. I get that, and have experienced that first hand on many levels. When i left for India 3 years ago i had tons of friends and spent a good part of my life in a very selfish bubble. Now i am a completely different person who views life and the world in a totally new light and i have very few of my friends left back home. I am so thankful for my Sarah, who has stuck with me through this journey, letting me ramble on about India and always caring about what i am feeling. She has been one very important lifeline for me!

I can say as we look to the future that i have finally found my self on "the razors edge". India, as much as it drives me crazy and as bad as i miss my US home, is truly home. We have made some very special friendships and been through a lifetime worth of adventures here. It is where our sweet baby girl was born, and where my husband and i fell in love all over again. Home may be what we long for, the "easy life" where simply buying groceries is not an all day ordeal, or playing in a nice clean park is a reality, but leaving India will be bittersweet! There are things about India i truly love....I love who i have become, i love the closeness i have found in my walk with Christ, i love the simplicity of things that i now embrace. These things i will carry with me for the rest of my life. When we do finally return for good, i can imagine i will probably look back from my home in the US and long for India from time to time, but where ever God wants us is where we will go, and we will go/stay with a joyful heart! God changed us, gave us a family, and made us whole and that makes this journey worth every second!

Stars in the Sky

Hang in there with me for a moment, i have a point beyond the stars....

One of the huge differences that always strikes me as amazing is the difference between the night sky in India and the one at home. I never see the stars in Hyderabad, between light pollution from the city and the haze layer they just aren't visible. We live out in the country in the US so the stars are amazing and i always find myself looking for Orion, for some reason that constellation always reminds me of home.....

This has been a very hard couple of weeks for me, and as we near one of the hardest goodbyes i have ever said, i feel on the verge of losing it at any moment. I have had 2 migraines, and gained 7 pounds so the stress of it all is very real. There are very few memories of India that don't include Rebecca, Justin, and Kira. I remember sitting with Bec during blackouts in Dream Valley talking about nothing at all, but just enjoying the fact that there was another couple on the same journey as us. I remember when they moved across town but we always managed to call and check in with each other as we both went through our very exciting pregnancies. I remember the texts as Rebecca was in labor and how i had a Doctor appointment the day after Kira was born just missing them at the hospital by an hour or so. I remember the first time i laid eyes on darling Kira, how tiny and precious she was. I remember our last walk together before I went into labor, and the tooth marks from little Kira that will forever be in a dining room table that i will cherish! I remember that they came to the hospital and met Ella Mae while she was only minutes old. I remember bringing Ella Mae home and having the girls meet for the very first time. I remember the shared adventure of raising two little girls in a foreign land. I remember the walks, the talks, the hugs, the hill, the car rides, and the play dates. I will cherish ever sweet moment i spent with Kira, or every tender second that our two girls shared. These 3 years are probably some of the most outstanding memories and i am so happy that we got to share them with such a special family.

In 3 days we will say goodbye as they return to the US. My heart breaks for our two little girls that are more sisters than friends, my heart hurts that i wont be there when their second sweet angel of a baby is born, and truly i am broken over the friend that i will not see every single morning, the times Bec and i have shared have been life altering. I thank God for giving me the friend i needed here in India, and a "sister" for Ella Mae! This will not be the last we see of them, that i know for certain.

Tonight as i attempted to stay composed i was hanging laundry barely choking back tears when i looked up at the sky and saw something that i have never seen in 3 years of being here....Right over my building was Orion...The stars are something i miss dearly and tonight God gave me a reminder of home and a reminder that he is with us and he has a plan. All around the sky was filled with its usual smog layer, but right there breaking through were stars, bright shining stars.....

I know in my heart that our time here in India is not done, and God is asking me to be patient and to wait upon him. I know that he will provide, he has proved that over and over again to us through this journey that is India. My heart is hurting, but tonight i got a hug from above! Then i went online and an amazing teenager that is dear to us and is also a part of our India adventure as well, had the status update that i needed to hear....

2 Corinthians 4 16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away. yet inwardly we are being renewed.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

To my dear friends the Lloyds, you are forever in our hearts....We will see you in the US!

End to a great year

So it is the beginning of 2012, and i realized that i just dont have time to blog anymore! What spare time i have is already predesignated for playing with Ella Mae, spending time with Ryan, cleaning up, doing laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, reading my bible, or a million other things i cant think of right now! Not that i am complaining, but i wish i had time to keep up this blog and journaling the journey that is parenthood and living over seas!

So much has changed this year. I remember that just over a year ago Ella Mae was just starting to crawl and now she is speaking in sentences! Our little baby is now a little girl! It is amazing to watch her grow, so many emotions involved, but ultimately the greatest journey of my life! She sparkles with personality and captivates all who meet her. She is beautiful inside and out and i am not just saying that because she is my daughter, but because it is the truth! I love her more fiercely than i knew love existed and that to me is so fulfilling! She is teaching us how to be better parents, and this in turn teaches us to be better people!

I used to dream of getting out of South Dakota, to travel and to have adventure...Now i have travel and adventure and i dream of getting home to South Dakota! India, as far as Expat jobs go, is not on the easy list (that is not just my opinion, but a shared opinion by most all i talk to). It is down right challenging! There are days where i just want to go back home, but then i wonder, after living this crazy life filled with adventure will i be able to handle the simple day to day of being back home, and i am nearly positive the answer is no. I think as much as i crave it that over time Ryan and i will find a "normal" life if you will a bit dull! Who knows what is in store for my little family. But as we tell each other time and time again, as long as we are all together then it is "home".

I am excited for 2012 to see all that it has in store for us. This adventure is once in a lifetime, and for better or worse it is ours!!!!! Happy New Year!!!!!