India was never a place i loathed, actually for a lot of reasons i loved India. I did however deeply miss my family and friends. Upon my return however i found a few hard facts, firstly that no one else's life had stood still while we were gone and that most of my friends were no longer around. I am not saddened by the fact that many friends moved on while we were 8000 miles away, that is life. It is hard to come into the "middle" of every ones life and try to carve out your place. As an adult making new friends never seems to be easy and as a stay at home mother of a toddler it seems to be even harder. Most people my age have a group of friends to lean on, i returned to one friend, Sarah, and she is the greatest friend i could ask for. I have been blessed with two new budding friendships that i hope to grow and, of course, my Becca may not be here in the physical sense but she is certainly only a text or email away.
India offered something rare for us, our gorgeous daughter, a new bond between Ryan and myself, it allowed us to travel, to make amazing money, to find a whole new level of spirituality and call to Christ. At night when i lay in our empty bed, i try not to focus on the fact that i don't get to sleep next to my husband 5 nights out of the week, i try to remind myself that God brought us here and he knew that these struggles would be before us. I try not to let money make me nervous or to stress over if we are doing everything we can to give Ella Mae all she deserves (i am not speaking of things, but of relationships and experiences). Most nights i fall asleep to my mind drifting to the streets of Hyderabad. To the amazing magic that was India. To the way i somehow felt more alive there than i do here. In India the world didn't seem so heavy, life didn't seem so scary. I have faith, amazing faith, that God has huge plans for us. I try not to wonder if the decision to take a 60% pay cut and come home was a good one or not, because i know that God knew this ahead of time. I try not to worry that we were in too big of a hurry to get back to home and that we may have missed out on something, because i know God's timing is perfect. I have faith, but some days that faith is a bit more fragile than others.
My daydreams of India have increased much lately, even prompting me to consider writing a novel about them (although i get exhausted at the mere idea of putting it all on paper). I feel so tied to the home we left behind, to the adventure of it all. When i hear of missionaries being sent out from our church my heart longs to be called. I am reading a great book about becoming a spiritual leader, and the last chapter focused on how there are many layers to being prepared to be sent out and when God knows you are ready he will send you, often his time is not your time. So i attempt to patiently wait, praying that God will prepare us for missions and provide a way for Ryan to fly for Him.
Maybe its a good sign that i want it so bad it makes it hard to stay put. I certainly think it is pleasing to God that i desire to serve him. Honestly i know that he wants me to serve him right now and so i wait to see what that means for each day, be it helping someone in need, praying with someone, or just letting my life be an example. I don't feel like much of an example lately, its been a rough week. I know that we cant always be on top of the world.
I may not be the average American Mom with all the activities i would love to offer my child, I may not have the money to send her to the finest schools or classes, but i have the love of Christ that i share with her daily. We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our back, and food on our table and really what more do you need! I have amazing family close by, my house is filled with love, and the few friendships i do have are genuine.
So i guess i will continue to dream about India, until the time comes that this again feels like home....
