Silent night

The nights are so peaceful in the neighborhood, Its almost eerily calm to be honest! I was on the roof hanging clothes out to dry and it dawned on me that it is near midnight and still over 80 degrees out, this is not South Dakota....Its mid winter back home! It is so strange to me that there is never any wind here....South Dakota is always windy! The silence of the night here is hard to get used to! The only sound that you hear is the occasional honking of horns from the road and the Mosque across the way that is broadcasting over loud speakers, just as it does every day! The lazy palm trees stand still and it feels like i am looking into a whole other world, and i am!!!!!!! Oh and i cant forget the giant bats, about the size of eagles, no joke!

I wonder when it is going to sink in that i am so very far from home! I guess it is easy to pretend that life is normal inside of these walls! I have been pretending a lot lately, I just miss everyone so much!!! I wish that i could explain to you how there is no concept of time over here for me! I never know what day it is, and i am having issues even keeping up with the month! I count the days based on Ryan's flight roster, literally! Its not Mon, Tue, wed etc...it is Goa/Chennai, Chennai/Rajahmundry, Tirupati/Pune, or return Pune/day off, and the all wonderful entire day off (which only happens once a week). The guys refer to the days as Early morning ass kicker, and the late night ass kicker, and Pune (which they all like because they get the day off there and it is a fun place)! Absolutely no concept of time....at all!!!!

We have been riding at night now more because it is well into the low 100's during the day, and just too hot to go outside! I noticed something for the first time, and this really left me feeling very far from home...The moon here is wrong, i wish i could take a picture, but it is more horizontal when it crests and less vertical as it is back in the USA...So it looks like a smiley face...i don't know if i am explaining it right, but it is the best i can do! I noticed it on a ride, and it was so breathtaking...it was perfectly in line with Venus and the two paired together made an amazing sight! In this strange land, even the small comforts such as a familiar sky have been robbed of me!

As we move into summer the heat is causing more and more power outages and so i have been cut off from my reality (Internet) and have had to find new things to do! Ryan and i found this wonderful book store and in if found an English to Hindi dictionary, and Conversational Telugu (the local dialect)! I am studying hard and trying to learn so that i can communicate a little bit with the locals i come into contact with, today i tried it out with Shaycoodala our housekeeper and she actually understood me, she was laughing at my interpretation of my spoken words as it was not exactly right, but close....so now i know how to say "my name is", "what is your name", "welcome, please come in"...I am horrible at languages and my first year Spanish class was the only D i ever received on a report card, but i am going to try my hardest! We also bought a English picture book for Reno, since he seems to enjoy learning and thought he could help me with my Telugu and i with his English!

I am finally starting to feel settled, although i miss the USA a ton, and my friends and family...but amazingly enough, this place is starting to feel like home, and i am not sure i am going to want to give up India in a few years....I wish i could say it in a way that makes sense, this place is chaotic, disturbing, dirty, poor, rich in culture, friendly, and in some very real ways, beautiful...It is literally all feelings rolled into one, and i am truly thankful for all of my American freedoms and protection, but i am also mesmerized by India's "magic". I fear life may be a bit dull when we finally end our days as Ex Pats and i am not ready for that yet, and honestly may never be! In just this small portion of time (2months including my first visit) I have been to Goa India, Chennai India, Pune India, and Hyderabad India, and will be going to Bangkok Thailand, and London England! I don't know if i am even allowed to complain anymore!!!! Yes i still have really down days, but it is time to try to find the joy in every experience, even the heartbreaking, because i may never have a chance like this again, and the best part....The growth that Ryan and I are experiencing by only have each other to lean on! What a blessing this has been!!!!

Dreams.....shattered subconsious

Last night i dreamed in the most vivid and disturbing manner...I was not feeling well all night nor am i feeling well today, but never have i before dreamed as i did last night! I had 4 distinct and separate dreams and still hours later remember them...Since i have been in India my dreams have been growing increasingly more vivid...

My first dream about a week ago, was set in India (but not any part that i have ever seen) and i wanted to go to the ocean but when we arrived at the edge of the city it dropped straight off into torrent and disturbing dark seas...there was no beach, just a staircase that disappeared off the edge into the dark abyss! From where we were standing we could see large bodies in the water (what appeared to be whales), none the less the water was not friendly or inviting! So we made our way to the other beach on the opposite side of town, and this beach was bright and perfect, with beautiful white sand beaches, and crystal clear blue water! There were boats and people everywhere, it was inviting...but you could not safely go into the water because there were jelly fish near shore and sharks out a little bit farther, so what appeared to be paradise on the outside was just as dangerous if not more than the water witnessed on the other side....i woke up completely distraught and dripping in sweat....that was to be the first of a long series of vivid dreams....Last night took the cake!

I don't know if i was suffering from a fever or a mild case of food poisoning, but the dreams that follow kept me tossing and turning all night with no decent sleep to find....

The first dream...I don't remember all the details of this one due to the fact that it was so very random! It started off with me and an ex boyfriend at a convenience store (i believe also in India, although not real) buying some cigarettes, but everyone kept cutting in line...so frustrated i left without purchasing a pack, which is good because i no longer am a smoker. We returned to a home, which i assume to be mine where there was a party going on...the house was full of people that i loved and cared about although no faces are familiar to me, just knew that they were all important to me, and then the most horrible thing happened...The party was under fire, as in a drive by shooting! Everyone died which was mortifying and i was shot several times, and woke up due to tremendous abdomen pain!

The next dream falls into a repeat setting that i have dreamed about multiple times...It is set in a beautiful home in the middle of the mountains, surrounded by beautiful green pastures and rolling hills and rushing streams...Horses grazing lazily, birds chirping, butterfly's flying...all very peaceful...but in this version of the dream i am no longer alive but am a spirit type entity that is in desperate search of her mate...I don't know if i am a bird or what, all i know is that i was flying in the entire dream, but i am joined by my friend who is flying with me trying to get me to let go and stop searching, telling me that my mate is gone for good and that we will not be able to find him...this dream lasts for a very long time and i can still feel the wind on my face as i soar through the endless skies in search of my lost love...i awoke heartbroken and empty....

The final dream was even more "scifi" as it was a mix and kind of hard to follow and explain...some dark creature (werewolf type) was killing and terrorizing this peaceful valley, and it was my job to put a stop to it...Apparently the only way to end all of the madness was to find the unicorns horn and protect it, so that was my main objective. This was a land filled with mostly animals, horses mainly as they are all i really remember. Well i found the dying unicorn and told her i would protect her horn, but she was not ready to let it go, so defeated i headed back to try to protect as many as possible as the sun began to set...i was gathering all of the animals together and putting the youngest and the weakest in the barn to better protect when somehow the unicorns horn was in my hand...now i was the one that needed protecting, and just as the darkness over came the day and the fear of the danger approaching was starting to sink in, i awoke yet again....

I think i am done sleeping for awhile, what a night!!!! I do see the commonality in these dreams to some of my current struggles, but i think my subconscious must be working on overtime because never in my life have i dreamed like this before, and honestly i hope to never dream like this again.....

A piece of home....

Today was one of those days that everything just fit together and fell into place! It felt like a quiet day, hanging out with friends and goofing off non stop...For a brief moment i forgot that i was so far from home!

Ryan, Scott and I spent half the day riding around Banjara Hills and Jubilee Hills (my favorite part of town). We ran a few errands and enjoyed a relaxed lunch, and the streets were quiet due to the extreme heat, so we really had no traffic to deal with! It was warm, but that was all the more reasons to go faster on the bikes!!!! On our way home we picked up an inflatable pool and a blow up pool chair, Scott and i bartered with the women and only paid a few bucks for both!

Ryan and Scott spent the rest of the afternoon on the porch relaxing in the hanging chairs and soaking their feet in the pool...Gretchen and i relaxed in the nice cool A/C house and chatted, Brett who had a long day took a nap...Our small little "community" was enjoying a day of comradery, it was paradise!!!

Tonight Ryan and I went and saw my very first local film, which had been hailed a sellout 6 weeks in a row...It was called "Arunduti" and it was supposed to be a very scary horror flick, well....it was scary with the bad overacting, the blue screen scenes and horrible computer graphics....Ryan and i were laughing through the whole thing, it was so entertaining that it didn't even bother me that the whole thing was in Telugu (the local dialect)!!!!

Days like this make it easy to forget that i am 8000 miles from home....

blogathon

OK, so this is my 3rd blog of the day, so it answers the question....what does a bored American in a foreign country do with no power and no friends to talk to....well she drinks a few alcoholic beverages and blogs endlessly!!!!

I am pleased to say i made some serious headway tonight and am feeling rather proud of myself!!!

With the wonderful interpretation from Anond, and a house full of people who spoke little to no English, I have now got power, and the housekeeper came over so i could explain what needed to be done around here, especially no trash under the stairs!!!!! I guess (lost in translation) she was somewhat intimidated by me and was worried she had disappointed me...I'm not sure what gave her that feeling, but i am happy that she now knows that was not the case and that i truly enjoy her here! YAY....i made a friend, although the English/Hindi boundary still stands in our way, but all it takes is a smile and a wave i suppose....

My brain hurts and i am going to watch some TV and wait for Ryan to get home!!!!!! Or i guess i need to finish the laundry...Being the "lady" of the house is a lot of work, i guess i will be earning my keep, since i will now be the one to deal with all the affairs of the house....The guys already have enough to handle without all of this to top it off....I feel like i finally have a purpose! HAHA :)

Never fear alcohol is here!!!!

So, three hours later i still have no power, but have now determined that it is not a whole neighborhood problem, just mine....Its the same thing that happened the other day, the generator is stopping the main power from coming into the house!

I'm OK though because fortunately for me i still have power to the Internet and my computer, so with my double rum and coke, i am going to make it through this!!!!!! LOL

Anond, one of the other landlords in the neighborhood, who is a total sweetheart, just came over and talked to my landlord on the phone and explained the problem, and i am to call Anond as soon as the electrician gets here so that he can be sure the job gets done right!!!!

So as for me, i am going to have another drink and just chill in the dark until they all get here to fix this little problem....

Seriously....no you must be joking...Right?!?!?!?

OK, so i am trying to be tolerant, really i am, but today has pushed me to new limits and i am about to explode!!!!

A) It is nearly 100 degrees out today, and i love the weather, but ummmmmmmm...yea, cant all be perfect i guess

B) Our housekeeper has not showed up in 3 days, no idea if some how we fired her and didn't know it, as she speaks no English

C) What is that smell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK, ya know, it is very important to watch where the housekeeper puts random trash bags because if say she were to not show up to clean, oh i don't know, 3 days in a row....and had possibly placed a bag with some food under the staircase to collect later it might smell kinda scary after a few days...just a thought!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D) As i do enjoy this 4 bedroom 4 bathroom 3 story house, i not so much enjoy washing the marble floors on my hands and knees...i would like a broom with an actual handle (which they don't sell around here) and would dig a mop, but not how things are done here so whoo hoo, there goes my back, my knees are covered in bruises and then comes the icing on the proverbial cake....

E) Dripping in sweat, thoroughly used up i decide to start a load of laundry (as the laundry guy has been missing in action for 2 weeks now) and figure that gives me just enough time to work out before i have to hang it on the line to dry...so i get the water running, turn on the AC in the "exercise" room and throw the clothes in the water....and BAM....the power goes out yet again!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now the clothes are soaking in water, the exercise room is over 100 degrees, i am filthy, sweaty and really pissed off! And wouldn't you know it.....

F) Remember the little dilemma about the backup battery 3 days ago...well the electrician came over and "fixed" it, even though we said we didn't want it...and i just walked into the living room to find it flashing red lights, saying over load.....whoo hoo!!!!!!!! Does that mean it is going to self destruct momentarily, because i think i possibly might!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

G) Counting to 10, taking a deep breath, looking at the liquor cabinet thinking hey, that might be an idea.....

H) Ryan will be home near midnight tonight...Brett is in town, and Scott is in Pune....still flashing overload......what do i do now???????

I) I love my husband, but i could possibly love him far better all the way from the USA right now, because i think he is going to come home to a frazzled, raving lunatic of a wife....running around the house in utter disarray speaking some foreign language (swearology) and gone completely mad!!!!!!!!!!! For his sake i should possibly send him a warning text so he can come home prepared......or maybe i will hit the liquor cabinet after all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

J) Knowing that i may read this in a day or so and find it giggle worthy, because the motto around here is...."IT"S INDIA"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K) Felling much calmer now, its 4pm so i think i will skip working out and have myself that drink after all!!!!!

(on a much more serious not, if we ever find our housekeeper again i am going to suggest a pay raise for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Heartstrings

I finally fell into the trap.....I have been able to turn a somewhat "blind eye" to most of the poverty, knowing that i can not solve this problem....But tonight was finally more than i could possibly bear, and i am sure i am not alone in this!

Ryan and i decided to expand out into our local fare of restaurants, and chose the Hyderabad House restaurant, it was phenomenal!!!! The food exceeded all expectations, but was not in a neighborhood that has seen many westerners, and we were drawing more attention than usual! By the time we were finished eating the sun was setting, and this is when Hyderabad comes to life! We decided to go next door and get some ice cream, and i couldn't help but feel that we had crossed into a "locals only" area...i was EXTREMELY uncomfortable, so Ryan and i chose to stand outside the sitting area and enjoy our ice cream (the mango flavor is to die for)!

I saw her before she even made her move...Now i have been approached by many beggars and only one that used a child as bait, but this was enough to kill me!!!! The older woman (probably the child's grandmother) set this darling child on the ground, and then horrified i watched her, being only 15 months by mine and Ryan's estimation, "toddle" over to us under a silent, trained and deliberate move! I tried to concentrate on Ryan as this small angel stopped a few feet away, then glancing at the older lady and with silent instruction moved closer, and then closer until she was at my feet....My heart could have just stopped at that very moment, there was no denying her as i looked down into her beautiful brown eyes! My heart broke, realizing that this child was trained to beg at only 15 months of age!!!!!!! All i wanted to do was reach down to her and take her into my arms, i wanted to take her and get her as far away from her life as possible....USING A CHILD TO BEG, now that is lower than low! I broke immediately and Ryan handed her 10 rupees, pocket change, and her tiny hand took the prize immediately and then she was gone....Devastating, that is all i can say!!!!! What an amazingly beautiful child, and how sad it is that she will never know anything more than the streets......Its a moment i WILL NEVER forget, a piece of my heart walked away with that child today! Burned into my brain is the vision of this tiny wonder, covered in dirt, hair in messy pig tails wearing only a dirty ragged shirt....and knowing that there are millions like her in the world, words just cant even describe!

Lost In Translation

Most of my days are pretty basic, good old copy, paste and repeat! We just got back from Pune, which was a break from the routine (at least mine) so it was good, and the pool was very enjoyable!

Hmmmmmmm...I can't believe that another week has passed! Time seems to fly by, but the weeks stand still...I don't know how to explain it better than that! I feel like i have been here forever, but that is not the case! 9 weeks to go until we take leave back in the USA.

Before we left for Pune, Ryan took me to a jeweler, because i had an idea for a pearl necklace, and i wanted to see if i could explain this on to the jeweler, since pearls are everywhere here! It was fun and he caught on to what i was saying quickly, and before i knew it he had sketched it out and showed me the colors of pearls to pick from! I just picked up the necklace today and was delighted by the outcome! It is one of a kind, just like me (hehe)!

The night that Ryan and i were to fly to Pune, we had a little electrical issue at the house...The power is ALWAYS going out over here in India, so our landlord had an emergency backup battery installed, and assured us that this would help to make the power outages less inconvenient......HAHAHAHA!!!!! Well the first time the power went out we came to realize that the only things this back up battery ran were the bedroom lights and not the TV or Internet, which had been the whole point!!!! So the helpful neighborhood boys, who do some maintenance here and there came over and rewired it so that the TV and the Internet would be on the battery....well it was now on the battery, FULL TIME!!!! They had cut the power completely from the main power source, so now we had a battery running all the bedroom lights the tv and the Internet full time instead of just kicking in on a power outage....It took Ryan nearly an hour to get his point across to the kids so they could fix it, I must say that if it hadn't been so frustrating it would have been hilarious, neither party understood what the other was trying to say and so round and round they went...In the end Ryan had them unhook the backup power completely and called the landlord to have the Electrician come and fix it! Ugh, what a nightmare!

Then it was off to Pune!!! I enjoyed riding for the 2nd and 3rd time as Ryan's passenger, and was beaming with pride when he came on over the radio...It is hard to explain how proud it made me feel to have him come sit next to me for a moment before going into the cockpit, or watching him doing his walk around the plane...He has a very nice take off and landing, so nice that i could brag about it all day long and never grow tired of it! :)

Pune was quite different from Hyderabad, and i really like it a lot! It is far less traditional so there were many women in jeans and tank tops, and no one looked at us when we walked by because there are many more westerners in Pune! I could certainly handle being based there!!!

We walked through some very "colonial" neighborhoods and of course had to walk by and sneak a peak at Osho International!!!! I tell you what, now that is something to see...we missed the tour, but some friends of ours have been on it and said it was very interesting (as in strange). It is a meditation resort, but we jokingly refer to it as "the sex cult" since we have heard that they require and AIDS test before you can join, um yea...very interesting! So all of these "enlightened" people are living there and dawning their plain burgundy "dress robes" they are easy to spot. I will definitely have to go on the tour next time, i just have to see for myself what has drawn all these westerners to congregate in their little AIDS free community!

As for adjusting to life in India, well i can say that it is going, slowly but surely! I am truly hopeful that i made it here in time....It has become quite apparent that our marriage was in far worse shape than either Ryan or i had thought! It was a mistake for me to have not come with him from the begining and now we are paying the price! Ryan and i learned how to not only live was without each other, but we learned how to not need each other, and the void is huge! We both see the problem and are both committed to fixing the problem, but this merging of two conflicting lifestyles has been a very rocky road! I only hope that we continue to work together as a team, and keep our eyes on God to guide the way! I have much faith that we will be all the stronger because of this when it is all said and done!

Infertility

So i normally avoid this subject like the plague, but today has been a bad enough day that i think my whole world is crashing in...so i am going to broach a subject i normally leave silent!

I, in my sleepless night of tossing and turning am running the question over and over again in my mind...why am i left infertile...absolutely incapable of bearing my own young, no fertility drug on the planet is going to magically grow me eggs in my non existent ovaries...so i am left with no help and a healthy dose of denial to get me through my days! Not that i would wish this burden on anyone, but i am left wondering...out of 4 girls, why am i the one??? Was i at birth being punished for future sins, or are my genes flawed and a mistake to carry on, would i not be a good mother....Why do i have 5 nieces and nephews and yet i am left barren....I watch everyone i love build their family and i cannot give my husband a child....I feel almost not like a woman at all, like a broken human that can't find her purpose!!!

I am fully aware that millions out there suffer from infertility...but that does not ease my pain, just as my infertility doesn't ease theirs! As a woman, how will i ever feel complete, when being a mother has always been a desperate desire of mine! Being over here in India, seeing children suffering and living in rubbish only deepens the pain...why do children seem to spring up out of the wood work everywhere, and yet loving, caring and capable couples, such as Ryan and i are left infertile! Then comes the even deeper hurt...how fair is this to Ryan, when he would make such a perfect, loving, kind father! Now my problem has become his problem! Will the day come that he resents me for this...does he resent me already?

I know that someday we will adopt, but that was never my initial intention, and i only fell into agreement with it because i know Ryan wants a family and it is the only way! For me, i desire not only to be a mother, but to experience pregnancy, something that is never going to happen for me...I suppose i should just get over it, and try to look forward to our future possibilities as an adoptive family...but today that is just not enough to calm the sorrow or to stop the tears...I want to feel whole as a woman, and right now that just doesn't seem possible!

I am not writing this for you to comment, and for this blog entry i would prefer that you do not make a comment unless you are family or friend...I write this not for the random passer by, but for those who care about me and have seen me through much of this pain already...I only write this, because this is part of my journey and i decided from the get go, that i would publish all that i am experiencing while in India, and wanting a baby has only increased since i have been here, so i guess it is part of my experience!

Valentines Day bliss

I was still walking on sunshine this morning until my pilot walked out the door to do another overnight in Pune. We had such an amazing Valentines Day, maybe partly because we have never gotten to spend Valentines Day together in the 3 years we have been a couple, but it was a day i will never forget...even though most will find the following explanation of our day to be some what mundane! LOL

We started off the day with a relaxing morning of spending time with Reno, our housekeeper (Shaycoondala, yes i finally found out her name) son. He entertained me while Ryan was in the shower by playing Ryan's guitar, loudly, and helpfully retuning it for him...You can guess Ryan was thrilled when he next strummed a chord and found it all to be way out of tune! But Ryan is such a kind spirited man and is so patient with Reno, it warms my heart and makes me want to start a family even more! Still on massive baby fever over here! We even spent an hour playing and teaching him Go Fish...it was a riot!!!

So anyways, i then gave Reno the camera and he had fun taking pictures of us and his mother, but he is particularly fond of Ryan so there were more pictures of him than anyone else! After that we headed out on the bike over to the Novotel so that Ryan could get a haircut and i was able to just relax in the environment of the spa! As i said earlier, this may not seem like much of a Valentines Day to you, but for me the day was amazing and only got better as it wore on!

We then decided that it would be great fun to buy new bedding, that actually fit our giant bed, so it was off to the mall! On our way there we saw another camel with two boys riding it completely out of control...It was a runaway camel and it was zigging and zaggin through traffic...these kids obviously had no idea what they were doing, but it made for some great photography!

At the mall we treated ourselves to a delicious meal at the Chinese restaurant, the food it divine and it was just perfect for a romantic Valentines Day lunch! I was also gifted with a pretty red rose as we entered the restaurant in honor of V day!

Hindsight being 20/20 we probably should have left the bike at home for our shopping needs and come in a car, because the sheets and the comforter we bought took up much space on the bike and made riding as the passenger nearly impossible and very uncomfortable for the driver, but we made it home, intact, with our new bedding and i was thrilled...nothing like accessorizing to make a bedroom feel more like your own!

Once home we were happy to find that we had visitors, Nathan and Keith (two other expat pilots from from the same airline) were in Hyderabad for the day so we all got to hang out! It is so nice when the house is full of expats...you can actually forget that you are so far from home for the moment and it just seems like another day! I am excited that more will be moving into the neighborhood and we are having the roommates ladies coming to visit over the next month...Becca will be home soon to and i cant wait to see her!

Ryan and i decided to end the day with a Hindi movie i am dying to see, and apparently so was the rest of Hyderabad because we drove to 2 movie theaters and it was sold out in both!!! I was so disappointed but the time together driving through the night was priceless and we even got to watch some fireworks in the center of Hyderabad! Ryan promises that we will go see the movie another time so i guess i can wait!

We finished off the night in true American form and ate dinner at Pizza Hut before heading back to the house. We spent a few hours talking and drinking with the guys before calling it a night! All in all....A PERFECT VALENTINES DAY!!!!!!

Ryan is going to be taking me to Pune for his next overnight later this week, and i cant wait to go lay by a pool and soak up more sun!!! I am also working on a trip to London to see my "pilots wives and girlfriends" group friends!!! So much fun stuff to look foreword to and plan, that should keep me busy!

can you say....malaria!!!!!

So as i survey my mosquito ravaged body and spent an hour completely researching all signs and symptoms of malaria i am starting to think that the side affects i experienced from the anti malaria drugs probably out weight actually getting malaria, oh well to late now! The one great thing that India has taught me is "calm"....i have finally become calm, where as the old me would be a on a plane right now freaking out knowing i was going to die for sure of something over here...

I love what it is teaching me to live here, not only the calm, but also the risk taking...I have missed out on so much "living" simply from the giant fear of "what if's". Now i go on death defying motorcycle rides, i eat food from street side vendors that my American health department would die if they saw the conditions, i have learned that public toilets are a wonderful thigh exercise and the term "drip dry" has whole new meaning for me! What is better is i am learning to just let go and live, for the first time in 30 years! I am learning to take the risks and say the hard goodbyes, to not know what tomorrow may bring and to be OK with the uncertainty, that it is OK to be sad, and wonderful to feel joy! To trust another person fully and to take the plunge with him...I have been set free and if i only take back one thing from all of this i hope that it will be to just go with the flow and appreciate all that i have!

I, with much guilt involved, have discovered how selfish i have become! My one pair of D&G sunglasses is our maids entire months salary and i own 2 pairs! The money i spent on a night out at the bar could feed a family of 4 over here for a whole month! I am not saying that i do not plan on buying things and spending money, because i do...but i will have certainly a better appreciation for how blessed i am, and maybe find more humility in it all!

You can not come to India and not turn somewhat of a blind eye to the poverty, or you would just spend your entire time crying and feeling miserable! What i have observed though, is a people (some very poor and some very wealthy) all satisfied with their lives! Whether they gather at night in a 3 story home or in a tarp covered tent they know the value of family and they are happy! I wish that I knew that kind of satisfaction and i hope to learn from them while i am here. Our maid (i am ashamed to say i don't know her name, tomorrow i will find a way to ask) and i have become social, as we don't understand a word that each other is saying because she speaks no English at all, it is more our attempt and shared smiles. She is very proud of her son Reno, who i adore, and she tries to talk to me about him because she sees how much i like him and that makes her happy! I hope to start understanding some basic Hindi so that i can eventually understand some of what she is saying! She is a delight!

My days pass quickly and i have filled my spare time with correspondence and exercise, the treadmill was a wonderful idea and it does help to burn off any excess stress or loneliness.

One thing for certain...India has taught me more than i ever imagined, and i will always be thankful for my time here!

Hyderabad from the road

This video is a compilation of photos i took of people while i rode on the back of the bike. In just a few minutes you can see devastating poverty and then heartwarming families. You truly have to have your heart prepared when you come to India.

Not in Kansas anymore

Clicking my ruby red slippers together repeating "there's no place like home, there's no place like home..."

Today was a hard day for me....I really am missing everyone right now, and with Ryan being gone on an overnight i actually have time alone...time to let it all sink in. I know that my family and friends miss me but i feel like my world is moving on without me. I know that sounds ridiculous and very whiny, but i suppose since this is my blog i am entitled to my feelings LOL.

Today i was stuck in the house all day, since this is not the place for a woman (especially a western woman) to wander un-chaperoned, i am getting cabin fever. I am still completely jet lagged and worn out so i think that adds to the depression. Ryan has been grumpy, which is normal when he is super tired, and i imagine he must be because he is working suffering from the same jet lag! I feel very isolated today, and i really wish i had my dogs here to cuddle with!

So now i am looking at how bla this entry is, but i am going to leave it because it is how i feel today and this blog is as much a diary for me as it is a story for you to follow...i think i am going to head to bed, maybe tomorrow will go by fast and then Ryan will be home when i wake up the next day! I want to go exploring and see the sights of Hyderabad! On a happier note, our landlord Swamy has offered for me to get cooking lessons from his wife some time...I think that would be so much fun!!!!

Picture information

For those of you that don't know...if you click on the pictures it will blow them up to full size so you can truly see all the detail and what i have tried to capture in the photo for you to see :)

Road Rage

I wish that there was some way to explain with enough detail what it is like to ride on the back of a motorcycle here in India. My friends back home that ride street bikes would die for this kind of riding, i swear it!!!! I want so bad to give a taste to those of you who are truly interested in all that we are doing here what these day to day things are like, and i will do my best....but honestly, words cant describe nearly any of it!!!!!

So riding a bike on the streets of Hyderabad....Take a demolition derby, with about 200 drivers (each with a minimum of one passenger, just for an average head count), put them all on a 2 lane half gravel, potholed and paved road, now pack them all together like rush hour in LA, add all the pedestrians from lower Manhattan, block this off into a 5 mile strip....now add dogs, cows, and a few goats for fun....here is where it gets interesting, make all of them try to maintain a speed of about 50 miles an hour with a fair mix of buses, big trucks, cars, motorcycles and mopeds, with absolutely no traffic laws what so ever......ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET....GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now if that isn't quite enough for some of you thrill seekers, why don't you go ahead and do this at night and only 2/3 of the vehicles have lights and most of the roads are not lit (and the pedestrians like to play frogger)!

That is quite literally the only possible way to describe this! I will never be able to find anything to thrill me again!!!! The mere act of driving puts your life in Gods hands every single time, not kidding....and it is addictive!!!!! I don't need to sky dive or base jump, this truly is the greatest adrenaline rush that i have ever, and probably will ever experience....AND I AM JUST A PASSENGER!!!!

We had so much fun on the bikes today that i really just had to try to describe it one last time! I wish that all of you could get a chance at this, because then i wouldn't sound completely insane!!!! LOL

Today as we all sat at a little road side restraunt we were talking about this experience and how amazing an opportunity that it really is! I mean seriously...who gets to go to India!!!!!! I am not going to take one more second of this for granted!

I am very fortunate to be able to do these things and see these places, and i am so happy for the amazing experience that Ryan is getting....for all the trials and tribulation, we both know that this was absolutely the best decision we could have ever made, for so many reasons!

Camels are cute!!!!

So today was a very fun day!!!!! Ryan and i went to town, on the bike (and i love riding the bike in the city here, it is death defying and crazy) to buy a treadmill!!!! I am so excited, and it will be a great thing for me to stay occupied, and to FINALLY get rid of the pounds i have put on from quitting smoking!!!! It was a blast shopping, because i love to shop LOL! We ate at the amazing Chinese restaurant that the boys found, and it has to be some of the best food i have ever had...and they serve beef!!!! YAY!!!!

On the way to the mall i saw a camel walking down the street. It was the coolest thing i have ever seen, and we pulled over so i could get a good picture! I cant believe how tall they are. It was so cute, i wanted to pet it, but didn't want to push my luck!

I also experience baby fever today! There were so many adorable children just wandering around, and i just wanted to scoop them all up and take them home! It is so hard to see these children living in such filth and poverty, and i have a feeling that Ryan and i will end up adopting more than one before this adventure is over! We had decided before we took this job that we wanted to adopt a baby from India if Ryan ended up coming over here, but honestly now i think i wouldn't mind adopting a young child, and maybe waiting for a baby later! My heart melts every time i see them, i just want to cuddle every last one of them....I think i am nesting!!!! I want a baby so bad, my clock might be ticking!!!! UGH!!!!

So then we came home and enjoyed an evening of drinking on the porch in the beautiful 80 degree weather!!!! I just cant even describe how amazing the weather is! I love it, it is amazing!!!!! I wish i could send a piece of it to all my friends who are suffering through a rough winter!!!!

For a final note...i finally saw our house pet!!!! He is an adorable little gecko, i caught him a few times, but of course let him go so that he could eat the house bugs!

Tomorrow is spa day, Ryan and i will be going to the spa at the Novotel for massages and a hair cut for Ryan. After that we get to go find me a cell phone!!!! I cant wait, i am starting to go through text withdrawals!

MOSQUITOS!!!!!!

I am all alone, for the first time ever in India, all three of the guys are working and Becca and Justin are still on leave. The house is a bit to quiet for me, and most of my friends are probably sleeping right now, being i am 12 hours ahead of South Dakota, so i cant even IM anyone.

There are so many mosquito's in the house right now that i am itchy just thinking about it! Seriously, it is like Malaria city right in my living room....good thing i decided NOT to listen to my doctor and not take the preventative malaria drugs....oh well, what can you do LOL!!!!!

It was weird to unpack and try to find my own little piece of this house, it is still sinking in that this is not just a visit, this is my home now.....I miss my friends, family, and my dogs....I really miss cuddling with DeoGie, she better not forget me!!!!

Well for better or for worse I am unpacked and basically settled in!!!! Tomorrow we are going to town to get a treadmill and then i will have something to do....At least it gives me a goal, something to focus on, cause looking at Ryan's schedule, it appears he wont be home much this month! I am not even sure what day today is!!!! LOL

I am looking foreword to going on a bike ride tomorrow...Should be a fun day!!!!

Diet Coke and Jelly Belly's

Well we arrived on time and with little to no problems, which always amazes me :) I am WIRED!!!! I slept through the two long legs of the flight thanks to Ambien, and so now i cant sleep and we have four hours until our next flight that will get us "home" (Hyderabad)!!!! I am sitting here writing this drinking a Diet Coke and 2lb bag of Jelly Bell's i bought from duty free....haha, might regret that tomorrow when my jeans don't fit LOL :)

I feel really bad for Ryan because when we get home in a few hours he has to go to work and fly 4 sectors, i don't know how he does it, i am not going to be any good for anything for the first week!!!! Although i must admit, i am a little bummed that he has to work cause i am jonesin for a bike ride through the city, but i will just have to wait!!!!

For all of my American friends, just thought i would let you know that it was 80 when we landed at midnight, tomorrow its Capri's, tank top, and flip flops for this girl :) You guys know that i am going to have to rub that in for at least a little while!!! After all i cant believe i am missing the Saving Able concert, The rest of the Rush games (GO SHEEN!!!!!), and spending quality time with all the people i love so much!

It hasn't sunk in yet, i think i am still on vacation mode, but eventually it is going to hit me that i am not heading home any time soon, and eventually when i say home, it will actually mean India.....but not yet!!!!

I love and miss you all!!!! I need to try to sleep or something....Sugar rush!!!! I wonder if this hotel has a gym??? Hmmmmmm.....

Here we go!!!!!!

So here it is...I leave in a little over 24 hours!!!!! This will be my last entry in the USA. I am still an emotional wreck, but i am also excited. I don't know exactly what I am feeling right now, but i know that it is good and that being with Ryan is what needs to be. You can definitely feel the stress building around here and Ryan and i are a little bit edgier than usual, but this is a huge deal!!!! We have over 2 years left in the contract, so this is no small holiday!!!! My home will be Hyderabad India until his contract is over....That seems so strange to say! My home is wherever Ryan is, so i am going with an open mind and an open heart!!!!

HERE WE GO!!!!!!

NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not OK today at all!!!!! Last night was our last night out with our friends and of course i completely lost it, got belligerent and cried basically the whole night! I know to some that four months may not seem like a long time, but it is an eternity for me!!!!!! I have never spent more than a few weeks away from "my world" and this is beginning to sink in...Today Ryan and i packed the bags, because he will leave a day ahead of me, and has to take some of my stuff....I feel like i am constantly choking back tears!!!! I am fairly good at being left, had a lot of experience with that one, but me doing the leaving, well that is a whole new deal for me!!!!!

Yes i am truly thankful that i don't have to say goodbye to Ryan this time, now i get to say goodbye to my family, my dogs, my friends.....(taking a deep breath, trying not to cry again)

My sister Kris, she is the hardest for me to leave....i have been with her for 27 years....saying goodbye, even if it is only for 4 month intervals is really hard for me....I know she is hurting over it and i am her best friend and she is mine.....and i am leaving her possibly when she needs me most!!!!!! I know that it is time, and i need to choose this because i love Ryan more than life itself and all this distance is not helpful, but OUCH, seriously OUCH!!!!!!!!

So many fears are all sinking in right now....My old dog, Blade, doesn't have much time left and i feel horrible about missing her last days....My mom is not well, and this is time i cant get back....My dad is having surgery and basically working him into the ground, and what little time we spend together is precious to me...my nephew Isaiah is growing so fast and i hate missing that, and i hate leaving him....My sisters in California and New Jersey and their beautiful children, and wonderful husbands....i hardly get any time with them at all....

I know, I know....this is sounding negative and i am trying to remain positive, and i know that in the end i am going to be so very happy i did this and Ryan and i will be so much closer and stronger and that is completely worth it, because Ryan IS my family.......I'm just hurting right now and have to get this out of my head before i break down.......

I knew this was going to hurt, but had no idea how bad.....