I have been spending much time studying and putting my focus on God. Tonight as I was reading an outstanding book, "The Case for Faith" by Lee Strobel I came to an amazing point of understanding...
Again I want to be clear that i am not speaking about anyone else feeling or opinions on this matter, I can only speak the truth for my life and hope that somehow others can find some comfort in my personal discovery. If you have differing views than that is between you and God and i would only encourage you to reach out to Him and seek the answers directly from Him...
I have a view on suffering that is not understood today in most circles but it comes from faith and the Bible and that is how i try to live my life. Bear with me and see what i have to say before jumping all over it! I have never been one to say, "well if God loves us then why do we suffer"? For me that answer is simple. We suffer because of sin, we suffer because God gave us free will with our lives and in that comes sin and with sin comes trials and tribulation. Not one of us is sin free, no matter how good you are or think you are you are not free of sin and the wages of sin are death. When I speak of sin i am not even saying that your suffering is individual to your sin, but in fact suffering occurs in this world because of all of our sin! Only Jesus was sin free and as God, chose to carry our burden of sin to the cross where He suffered and died and defeated death. Jesus felt pain, suffering, abandonment, and betrayal. He paid the price, and for us to walk with Him requires us to go to the cross with Him. Some might say, well its easy for you to say you are not the one suffering, and in some ways that may be true. I will counter, however, with the fact that unless you truly know me you have no idea of my hardships, struggles, and pains.
So onto my realization. I have suffered with my infertility since the age of 17, it has been extremely painful for me. Keeping in mind that i am still infertile and i will never give birth to another child, unless of course God were to bless me again. God made a promise to me when i was 17 that i would have a child, and almost 3 years ago (after 13 years of waiting) that promise came to completion in the conception of my darling daughter. What i now realize more than ever is that my suffering had purpose, amazing purpose! Firstly i value motherhood so much more than i ever could have imagined. I know the old me, and i can say with full certainty that if i had been able to conceive naturally i don't believe i would have made a good mother, in fact i know i wouldn't have! For my personality to be molded and for my perspective to be changed i needed these events to take place, i needed this transformation out of my own selfishness into thanksgiving! By God working through this with me i was drawn out of a lifestyle of selfishness and into one of surrender. This turn around in my life saved my marriage, changed my life, and brought us the most amazing gift we could have ever dreamed of! There are still days where my heart yearns for the ability to be able to have another baby and then i look at Ella Mae and i am reminded of how incredibly blessed i am already!
Not only has this struggle of infertility changed me, but it has impacted lives around me! Sometimes we do not know why bad things happen, but that does not mean that the glory of God is not in it, and that the event is not life changing for someone else! We are not God and therefore can not know all the intricate pieces of the puzzle! My Mom has suffered with debilitating pain for about 10 years now, she suffers as no one should and yet just the other day as we were talking i asked her why she thinks God has not healed her. Much to my surprise she informed me that she feels the purpose has been revealed to her and that she sees Gods glory in it (out of respect for her i will not share the intimate details of her discovery). It is a firm reminder that most of the time people on the outside looking in may not see as clearly as those in the depth of it. Yes, there are also times when people who are suffering don't see it, and i will not speak for them. This is after all my personal feelings on the matter. In most cases you will find that people of faith actually grow stronger in their faith because of the trial or suffering they are faced with.
When i was 17 if you had asked me how i felt about my infertility you would have seen a broken teen who couldn't possibly imagine what good could come of this, i was angry, hurt, and very self destructive. My self worth was diminished to nothing and there was an emptiness inside of me that was more massive than the Grand Canyon. All the while God was with me asking to fill the hole, He was asking me to have faith in Him and trust in His promise. Today if you ask me about my infertility you will find a woman who embraces it, i would not ask for it to be changed for any reason! Yes, i would love to have more children, but God blessed me with an amazing daughter and his Grace is sufficient for me! If someone offered me a do over today and said i could get one chance to go back and be 17 and not get the news i received but instead be a complete and whole woman i would run away from that so fast! I am so blessed by all that this has taught me and i am thankful for the piece of me that still yearns for more because that just reminds me how incredibly blessed i am already and the work that God continues to do in me! My infertility is the biggest blessing in my life!
I thank God for my infertility and for the heart change it caused in me, for the life change it has made and for the new desires it has put inside of me! If it had not been for the deep emotional impact that i have from my circumstances i don't think that i would be where i am today, with a heart on fire for God the way it is, with faith that keeps me firmly planted and hopeful. I have always wondered why i never had ambition for a career, but now i understand that God has plans for me! He has given me amazing dreams and hopes for my family's future and i feel more and more fulfilled with each passing day. I can honestly say that there is no better place to be than right where God wants me!
