Grinding the daily grind

A month ago I was begining to feel very down, lonely from Ryan's long hours and no one to share the time with, tired from never getting any me time away from all of my responsibilities, disheartened from the distance that spanned me and nearly everyone i love, and confused as to the direction God had planned out for my future....

Now a month later so much has changed, and i have realized that all of these times in my life are symply "seasons" they never last very long but they always lead into something new!

Bec and i have had much time to talk and keep each other company as our men work hard flying all over the country. We have also gotten into a routine that gives not only 2 hours of uninterupted play for our girls 5-6 days a week, but also and hour each of Mommy time as we take turns at the gym. It has been awesome! Everyday i look forward to my time with the 2 girls and alone at the gym working on my waist line. It is nice for both of us and honestly the girls truly love each other and look forward to their time together!

Our amazing babysitter Bethany gifts me with an afternoon off every single week where i indulge in a pedicure and time to quietly read my book or listen to my ipod and relax. She is amazing with Ella Mae and she loves her time with her babysitter!

This new fellowship for Ella Mae has caused massive developmental growth, she is saying new words every day and now signs enthusiastically when it comes to eating. She loves to play and is making new bonds all the time. Right now is a bit of a tough time for her as she is working on what looks like 4 teeth and she is going through seperation anxiety so i do have more tears than usual but with all of the time for me to "recharge my batteries" daily it makes this stage so much easier!

The more i miss home the more i realize that this IS home and that i need to stop "wishing" my time away here. God wants me here, and there are things i want to see brought to completion before we leave. I will truly miss India when i leave, so as much as i miss my friends and family back home this is a short chapter in my life and i need to be "all in". My life in India is very simple, and no matter how i try to explain that to anyone that has never lived here there is just no way to truly make you understand. I dont have the usual hassels of the busy US life, although i now have the hassels of India living which is a whole new ball game.

I have learned so much!

Running in place

I feel as if life is getting away from me, i cant seem to get anything to slow down enough for me to keep up, and yet time seems to be standing still! I really some how deluded myself to think that at the point of spiritual growth i have achieved over the last 2 years that i would finally start to feel like i am "getting" it, but the truth is that you never "get it" and the growth never stops. That is of course something to be happy for and something to celebrate, but i will be honest, sometimes the "spiritual pruning" is hard!

I have learned, nearly successfully to "let go and let God" on most areas of my life. That for me is AMAZING since i tend to be the most uptight stressed out person on this planet! Over the last 2 years i have changed and grown and for that i thank God, because only he could have done this, i certainly don't have the power. My latest struggle is an interesting one...

I am weary, physically and emotionally! This morning i realized that i have been faithfully handing over my emotional weariness to God, but have not once asked him for help with the physical side. I know when God is "talking" to me, it is unmistakable, especially when i have been ignoring him! I have been fighting this sleep deprivation since pregnancy and of course during pregnancy and nursing i was not able to take the sleep aid my Doctor prescribed. The last couple of months i have gone back on Ambien, which i can only take on nights when Ryan is home, leaving me completely exhausted on nights he is not since i can't seem to fall asleep. Lately my heart has been heavy over having to take Ambien, and so i argue "but God, when i don't take it i lay awake all night" still hearing him say "you don't need it." It's funny how faith works....It's an ever growing state of mind. Just because i have great faith in some things i have realized i have very little faith in small things! God is big enough to give us our miracle baby, but not big enough to help me sleep?????? Seriously, i am actually disappointed in myself for overlooking this!

I am happy that i feel this "guiding" if you will, it shows me that God is continually at work in my life, the real trouble starts when i stop hearing him! Just as the rose bush needs pruning to blossom into beautiful, fragrant flowers so to do i need continual pruning and weeding to keep me growing and becoming the woman that God wants me to be!