Being a Mommy is nothing i ever imagined it to be. It is surely not easy, but it is so rewarding! I am tired, worried and worn down, but at the same time i am complete! When i hold Ella Mae in my arms she still brings tears to my eyes. When she smiles she makes everything else melt away. When she looks at me with so much love in her eyes she makes me feel like i could take on the world. When she laughs she renews my heart. When she sleeps she brings me peace. When she cries she makes me want to fix it right away. Every second with her is a second of my life to treasure! When i watch her with Ryan my heart nearly pounds out of my chest, they have such a love affair and it is exactly what i want for her! Mostly i enjoy our quiet moments together, where her and i are just near each other. I love to watch her sleep and wonder what she dreams of as she smiles. I hope she knows how loved she is and that we will never leave her.
Some days are harder than others. It can be so frustrating being a first time Mom and not having a clue if i am getting any of it right, but then she coos and i know that she is perfect and we are doing just fine. I cant believe that i have spent 9 weeks with her, and have not been away from her for more than an hour one time. I don't remember what it was like to have so much time to myself, and you know what....I would never want that life again! I love that she is the reason for all things. Yes, i will admit i am exhausted and my body has still not recovered from birth, but i just don't care about all of that. I just want her to be happy and healthy, that is what is important.
It will be nice to get home and be able to see what it is like to have a baby around family and friends who can lend a hand. Ryan and i could certainly use some "us" time since we have not had even one minute alone since her birth. He of course is my first love and always will be but she is the center of us and God of course is the center of the 3 of us.
Its funny because everyone makes parenthood look easy, but when your baby wont quit crying for no reason, or refuses to eat, or seems to be in pain you can feel worthless. I have shed many tears since her birth. I am definitely learning how to be a parent with Ella Mae as my teacher. I have failed many times, but each time she looks at me adoringly as if to say, "Its ok Mommy, you are doing just fine and i still love you." I am learning so much about myself. I have learned that patience is something i don't posses, but i am becoming patient. I am learning that i don't have faith in my abilities but my abilities are getting better each and every day. I have learned that i CAN do this on my own and that i don't need help with it at all times. Mostly i have learned that for all of my faults and shortcomings that i am a good Mommy and that Ella Mae is well taken care of. Prayer guides me through the moments when i want to scream or throw in the towel and love gets me through the rest.
Ella Mae is such an amazing baby. I know all parents say that, but she truly is. She is very easy to soothe, most of the time, and other than her refusal to sleep now and then she is very easy to care for. We have been truly blessed and we know it! Right now as i type she is next to me in her swing being lulled into dreamland with the background music of a thunderstorm at sea playing. Looking at my precious angel i just cant help but be excited to see what the future holds for her.
My life really did begin the day i met my Ella Mae!
1 comment:
That about covers it doesn't it? The world fades away so fast when you are able to hold such a gift. Lovely words Karen. Love to you.
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