So it has been brought to my attention, by a dear friend, that maybe i should share what it has been like for me to spend these last 8 months without Ryan, being that there may be other pilots wives who could benefit from my experiences.....
There is a reason why i have not really been open about how i am REALLY feeling, and have done my best to mask the hurt and mundanely keep going through the motions of living, and the reason is that it is all still very painful for me....but the proverbial light is shining at the end of the tunnel, so i will give it a go!
When Ryan left, 8 long months ago, I knew that it would be hard...I figured i would cry for a few days and then get back to living, but that never happened.
Instead i
withdrew myself from life little by little, until the person i was faded into the background and was replaced by an empty shell...I tried my best to keep up the pace, but when your heart is literally breaking every day, that is easier said than done! What was worse, was that not only was I putting up a wall around me, but I soon felt Ryan doing the same! In complete
devastation i realized that both of us trying to cope with the pain of
separation was putting a real wedge between us, that could only lead to disaster if left unresolved! Most of my friends did not know what to do with me, and not being there fault at all, had no idea what i was going through or how to console me, so in the end most of them gave up! I am thankful for the few that never backed down and stuck with me even when i pushed them away!
Ryan came home on his first break of being gone 10 weeks and seeing him was like falling in love all over again! The way he looked, the way he sounded, his sweet smell, his tender touch, his amazing kiss....even now the
mere thought of that reunion sends chills down my spine! I felt that we could do this after all, my heart was
renued and i knew that nothing could tear us apart! What i
didn't bargain for was that the rest of our reunions would not be as sweet, i guess it was foolhardy to think that it would always feel that way! So when he left I cried, but i knew i would see him soon, so i held onto the feelings that we had just shared, but as days turned to weeks and weeks to months i found myself yet again slipping into depression...our phone conversations were barely
fulfilling since neither of us had much to add, and we sat in silence more often then not! When he flew in for his second break my fears were confirmed...the butterflies were gone, and neither of us embraced
each other with the same urgency we had shared before....I knew in my heart that we were on the road to destruction!
We spent those 3 weeks together, but it just
wasn't the same....the distance between us was so real you could touch it! I loved him, but somehow i had managed to not need him, and in the not needing came the giving up on that deep seeded love we had once shared...I was not only
devastated, i was terrified, and i knew that if we continued this that we would not make it another year, let alone 3 years! You see it is a very fine line to walk, still loving someone, but having to give up needing them in your daily life....It is something i am sure most pilots wives completely understand what i am saying! Our lives were two very seperate entities held together only by a vow, and that is nothing without the love and devotion to back it up!!!!! We
didn't talk about anything important in those 3 weeks and seemed to both just be going through the motions of being a married couple! I had to keep asking myself how i could let this happen!!!! When he left, i was not sad and hardly cried...We had to put a stop to this!
Then something happened that woke me out of this stupor....
Mumbai India was attacked by terrorists and for the first time in my life i was terrified for my husband! I called him at 3 in the morning completely unhinged and woke my poor sleeping pilot in typical
freaked out wife manner! He assured me he was safe and sound in
Pune and would not be flying to
Mumbai any time soon, so i attempted to calm down....Only now all of the voices echoed in my mind "just be happy he
isn't deployed to the middle east." Well no he
wasn't deployed he was on his own in a country that was now under terror attacks, not in the military where he had others watching his back or staying in a military base as he would have been if he were still in the
Air Force! I desperately wanted him to come home!
I began to experience something in my 30 years of life that i have never experienced....I started having Anxiety attacks, and for anyone who has ever had them they are so real it is out of control!!! I feel like someone is
grabbing me by the ribs and squeezing as hard as they can, while trapping me in a small room that i am
incapable of escaping!!!! It is torture! Something had to change and quick, because i was spinning dangerously out of control, and could not continue like this!
I left for India with no intention of staying, just merely giving it a fair chance, but when i got there my answer was right in front of me! If i wanted to save not only my marriage but also my sanity i would need to come to him....Being with him calmed me, no more anxiety, no more worries....just calm! I enjoyed India more than i ever could have imagined and seeing how happy it made him made my choice simple and clear! So there it is.....In 6 weeks i will be moving to India, I am going to give this all I have got and see what happens....After all.....it's my adventure to, and what better than to share it with someone you love!!!!!
