Day by day

The best reason to dress up is no reason :)

With our dear friends the Lloyds back in the US Ella Mae and i are working on mending our hearts, Ryan at least has the distraction of work, but for us girls the loss is significant. Ella Mae has handled it well, she asks about her friend every day and has even resorted to reasoning with me. The conversation went something like this...Ella Mae- "go on walk with Kira?" Me- "sorry hunny, we can go for a walk but Kira is back in the US to see her Grammie and papa" Ella Mae- "just talk to Kira?" Me- "when Kira gets home we will Skype her so you can see her OK?" Ella Mae- "just want to talk to Kira, now???" Me- "I am not keeping you from her to be mean baby girl, she is in an airplane and we just cant talk to her right now, i promise we will when we can." Final outcome was a few tears and a nice hug. It is so hard when your little one is hurting and you cant explain it to them properly.

We have remained busy and i have started packing and thinning out the mass quantities of things we have accumulated. Still even with all the distractions i still catch myself getting choked up and missing our friends. This too shall pass....

We have had fun Skype dates with friends and family back home every morning this week, and that has been fantastic for us and Ella Mae! Today she even got to see her doggies back home as Jen, being a total sweetheart took the time to Skype us! Tomorrow morning we will do our first ever call with Ella Mae's Dona Jane!

Today we had a very nice play date with some of our other expat friends and it was great to be able to chat and talk about life. Sometimes i feel like i am on another planet, and so being able to talk to people who also know how insane living in India can be is a nice treat (especially now that i don't have Becca to vent to daily). I have to say that it will never be something that i can explain properly and its so nice to not have to try as they deal with it every single day as well! We all miss our home countries and dream of the day we get to go home! I will never again take for granted all of the privileges i get from being an American, and what an amazing country America is, that i know for certain!

I read a blog the other day about reverse culture shock and it was so very true! When you spend years, such as we have, living over seas you become a truly changed person. Unfortunately you find yourself not being able to maintain friendships the same, or you find that no one really cares about your stories and adventures for many reasons. I get that, and have experienced that first hand on many levels. When i left for India 3 years ago i had tons of friends and spent a good part of my life in a very selfish bubble. Now i am a completely different person who views life and the world in a totally new light and i have very few of my friends left back home. I am so thankful for my Sarah, who has stuck with me through this journey, letting me ramble on about India and always caring about what i am feeling. She has been one very important lifeline for me!

I can say as we look to the future that i have finally found my self on "the razors edge". India, as much as it drives me crazy and as bad as i miss my US home, is truly home. We have made some very special friendships and been through a lifetime worth of adventures here. It is where our sweet baby girl was born, and where my husband and i fell in love all over again. Home may be what we long for, the "easy life" where simply buying groceries is not an all day ordeal, or playing in a nice clean park is a reality, but leaving India will be bittersweet! There are things about India i truly love....I love who i have become, i love the closeness i have found in my walk with Christ, i love the simplicity of things that i now embrace. These things i will carry with me for the rest of my life. When we do finally return for good, i can imagine i will probably look back from my home in the US and long for India from time to time, but where ever God wants us is where we will go, and we will go/stay with a joyful heart! God changed us, gave us a family, and made us whole and that makes this journey worth every second!

Stars in the Sky

Hang in there with me for a moment, i have a point beyond the stars....

One of the huge differences that always strikes me as amazing is the difference between the night sky in India and the one at home. I never see the stars in Hyderabad, between light pollution from the city and the haze layer they just aren't visible. We live out in the country in the US so the stars are amazing and i always find myself looking for Orion, for some reason that constellation always reminds me of home.....

This has been a very hard couple of weeks for me, and as we near one of the hardest goodbyes i have ever said, i feel on the verge of losing it at any moment. I have had 2 migraines, and gained 7 pounds so the stress of it all is very real. There are very few memories of India that don't include Rebecca, Justin, and Kira. I remember sitting with Bec during blackouts in Dream Valley talking about nothing at all, but just enjoying the fact that there was another couple on the same journey as us. I remember when they moved across town but we always managed to call and check in with each other as we both went through our very exciting pregnancies. I remember the texts as Rebecca was in labor and how i had a Doctor appointment the day after Kira was born just missing them at the hospital by an hour or so. I remember the first time i laid eyes on darling Kira, how tiny and precious she was. I remember our last walk together before I went into labor, and the tooth marks from little Kira that will forever be in a dining room table that i will cherish! I remember that they came to the hospital and met Ella Mae while she was only minutes old. I remember bringing Ella Mae home and having the girls meet for the very first time. I remember the shared adventure of raising two little girls in a foreign land. I remember the walks, the talks, the hugs, the hill, the car rides, and the play dates. I will cherish ever sweet moment i spent with Kira, or every tender second that our two girls shared. These 3 years are probably some of the most outstanding memories and i am so happy that we got to share them with such a special family.

In 3 days we will say goodbye as they return to the US. My heart breaks for our two little girls that are more sisters than friends, my heart hurts that i wont be there when their second sweet angel of a baby is born, and truly i am broken over the friend that i will not see every single morning, the times Bec and i have shared have been life altering. I thank God for giving me the friend i needed here in India, and a "sister" for Ella Mae! This will not be the last we see of them, that i know for certain.

Tonight as i attempted to stay composed i was hanging laundry barely choking back tears when i looked up at the sky and saw something that i have never seen in 3 years of being here....Right over my building was Orion...The stars are something i miss dearly and tonight God gave me a reminder of home and a reminder that he is with us and he has a plan. All around the sky was filled with its usual smog layer, but right there breaking through were stars, bright shining stars.....

I know in my heart that our time here in India is not done, and God is asking me to be patient and to wait upon him. I know that he will provide, he has proved that over and over again to us through this journey that is India. My heart is hurting, but tonight i got a hug from above! Then i went online and an amazing teenager that is dear to us and is also a part of our India adventure as well, had the status update that i needed to hear....

2 Corinthians 4 16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away. yet inwardly we are being renewed.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

To my dear friends the Lloyds, you are forever in our hearts....We will see you in the US!

End to a great year

So it is the beginning of 2012, and i realized that i just dont have time to blog anymore! What spare time i have is already predesignated for playing with Ella Mae, spending time with Ryan, cleaning up, doing laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, reading my bible, or a million other things i cant think of right now! Not that i am complaining, but i wish i had time to keep up this blog and journaling the journey that is parenthood and living over seas!

So much has changed this year. I remember that just over a year ago Ella Mae was just starting to crawl and now she is speaking in sentences! Our little baby is now a little girl! It is amazing to watch her grow, so many emotions involved, but ultimately the greatest journey of my life! She sparkles with personality and captivates all who meet her. She is beautiful inside and out and i am not just saying that because she is my daughter, but because it is the truth! I love her more fiercely than i knew love existed and that to me is so fulfilling! She is teaching us how to be better parents, and this in turn teaches us to be better people!

I used to dream of getting out of South Dakota, to travel and to have adventure...Now i have travel and adventure and i dream of getting home to South Dakota! India, as far as Expat jobs go, is not on the easy list (that is not just my opinion, but a shared opinion by most all i talk to). It is down right challenging! There are days where i just want to go back home, but then i wonder, after living this crazy life filled with adventure will i be able to handle the simple day to day of being back home, and i am nearly positive the answer is no. I think as much as i crave it that over time Ryan and i will find a "normal" life if you will a bit dull! Who knows what is in store for my little family. But as we tell each other time and time again, as long as we are all together then it is "home".

I am excited for 2012 to see all that it has in store for us. This adventure is once in a lifetime, and for better or worse it is ours!!!!! Happy New Year!!!!!

Swaddle to strait jacket

Swaddle turned strait jacket

I have to say that toddlers are a bundle of fun, but some days the power struggle is exhausting. So on a funny note we were going through all of Ella Mae's old stuff and we found her old swaddles. It was a nice moment to revisit those endearing days of our sweet angel sleeping so snuggly in her swaddle ever night, or the time when we decided it was time to say goodbye to the swaddle and thought she would never be able to sleep with out it. It is a firm reminder of how very fast time passes and how things change. The baby days are a mere memory and she grows faster and faster with each passing minute. She is becoming a big girl faster than i ever dreamed! Playing make believe, talking in random sentences, understanding every thing we say to her, putting out a little bit of attitude on a daily basis and giving hugs and kisses freely!

Only this morning she put together her second sentence ever. The first was "my name is Ella Mae" spoken perfectly clear and directed towards a cute waiter she had her eyes on while we were staying at the Leela in Kerala. Today's sentence, although cute reminds me that little ones are huge sponges and we need to very careful what we say around them. So what were her words of wisdom she needed to share you may ask...."mommy, i farted" well that is that i suppose! We will be sure to remind her that it is tooting, not farting but none the less she did toot and wanted me to know about it! Out of the mouth of my 18 month old, i can hardly wait to see what her next sentence of wisdom is!!!!

So hang onto your babies swaddle, because it makes a very nice toddler straight jacket!

My handicap....

I received a forwarded email that really hit home for me, not the whole email (although it was some great food for thought), but just one simple statement in the email.

My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances-they all become disabilities when i do not trust them to God's care.

For me this simple statement really hit home on so many levels!!!! I find my self caught living between what God wants, what i want, and what others want for me and it is the kind of tug of war no one can win! This falls under my "obligations" category, as i don't want to let anyone down, but in trying to please "everyone" i am no longer looking to God for his perfect direction. I love our families, our friends, our church but the truth is that God knows what he wants from me and my only obligation is to him, Ryan, and Ella Mae. I can not please everyone i care about and in trying i may not be in the will of God.

Fear, wow.......Fear used to happen every day when i would think of leaving India, or when i would think of staying in India. It happens when i think of Ryan going to work for a major airline or if he quits flying all together. We are at a point where big decisions are going to have to be made and it could be the scariest thing we will ever do. That being said, i am trying hard to completely give this aspect of our lives over to God and with this understanding comes the "calm"! God knows what comes next, where the next will be and he will take care of us if we just put all of our FAITH in him!

My pride, now this one used to be a really big one, but i am happy to say that God has been at work on that one for the last 2 years. I have learned how to accept my downfalls and suck it up and say i am sorry when i need to. The India experience has shown me a lot about pride and how toxic it can be. Thank you God for stripping me down and making me humble! One less "disability" for me to have in my day to day life.

My circumstances......

I will not allow myself to become a "slave" to my circumstances. I see now where life must be so scary for someone who has no faith, it must seem very hopeless at times. I am not always able to see the "rainbow" in the storm, but i have the comfort of knowing that even though i cant see it sometimes, it is still there. When i find myself in a hard time i find comfort in the fact that "God is in control" and that he won't leave me or forsake me!

Ryan and i don't know what the future holds for us, we are not sure when or where our next job will be. We don't know if we will get to go back to the US or if we have more "ExPat" time in front of us. What we do know is that God may close doors but he always opens windows and as long as we are in his will we will be fine wherever the friendly skies take us!!!

Goodbye sweet Blade girl....

My heart has never hurt as bad as it did today when i had to put my sweet angel Blade to sleep. Now this dog was far more than a dog. She has been my faithful and loyal companion for 15 years. I remember the day i picked her out at the pound. She cowered in the back of her kennel and i knew if i didn't take her no one would, so i took my timid puppy home and gave her the best life i could.

We moved into my very first apartment together, she was with me through a "left at the alter" heartbreak, then with me during my marriage to my first husband. She got me through the rough times that followed my divorce and onto my marriage to Ryan. She was there to greet our sweet baby Ella Mae the first time we brought her home and put up with toddler abuse even in her old age of arthritis.

The only regret i have is that i have had to leave her these last 2 years while i have been living over seas, but i am blessed that she has been well cared for by our friends and was surrounded by her pack, DeoGie and Kooter.

My heart breaks today as i was not prepared to put her down, but after some grim news on blood work it was decided that this was the best thing to do for her. My daughter picked her as the favorite and referred to her as "Blaze" and i was sad that she will not get to play with her anymore, but so blessed that they met each other.

Blade was the kindest, sweetest old girl that i have ever known. We estimate her age to be near 17 and she has hung in there through many cold winters despite her horrible arthritis. Today she gave me a goodbye kiss, something she doesn't do and then she laid in my arms and fell asleep happy and peaceful. My heart is broken, but i am a true believer that right now my silly girl is playing in the greenest field you can imagine, running and rolling and totally pain free. One day i will see her again and those perky ears will welcome me to paradise.....

Pay Tribute.....

My small community, i call home, here in the gorgeous Black Hills was hit with true tragedy the week we returned from India. 3 police officers were brutally shot, 2 died and one is recovering. It shook out little community violently....

Today Ella Mae and i had the privilege of standing along the precession route as they carried fallen officer Nick Armstrong to his final resting place, last week they buried Officer Ryan McCandless. Although i have never met either of these 2 very brave men, my heart was struck with the loss of not only 2 brave officers, but 2 young men who were just getting their lives started. I grieve for those that knew and love them, all those they left behind. As the thousands of people drove by headed to the cemetery i could not hold back the tears. The law enforcement community took a huge hit in this and it was evident on all of their faces. So many people came from all over the Midwest to pay their respects.

We are not a large community, we are small and close. We still smile at those we don't know and happily hold doors open for each other, this just isn't the place where police officers get shot in broad daylight! Still now i sit here trying to express what i feel with tears threatening to fall. I feel so proud of our City as we have stepped up and honored our fallen protectors. It mends the heart a little to know that we are still small enough to care! Our men and women of law enforcement are there for us at all costs, so i will certainly remember that next time i get pulled over, that maybe i am to blame and not the officer just doing his/her job.

I am blessed to be a part of such a great city filled with amazing people, God bless you Officers McCandless and Armstrong, may you be in paradise tonight. My prayers will remain with those you loved who are left behind......