My handicap....

I received a forwarded email that really hit home for me, not the whole email (although it was some great food for thought), but just one simple statement in the email.

My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances-they all become disabilities when i do not trust them to God's care.

For me this simple statement really hit home on so many levels!!!! I find my self caught living between what God wants, what i want, and what others want for me and it is the kind of tug of war no one can win! This falls under my "obligations" category, as i don't want to let anyone down, but in trying to please "everyone" i am no longer looking to God for his perfect direction. I love our families, our friends, our church but the truth is that God knows what he wants from me and my only obligation is to him, Ryan, and Ella Mae. I can not please everyone i care about and in trying i may not be in the will of God.

Fear, wow.......Fear used to happen every day when i would think of leaving India, or when i would think of staying in India. It happens when i think of Ryan going to work for a major airline or if he quits flying all together. We are at a point where big decisions are going to have to be made and it could be the scariest thing we will ever do. That being said, i am trying hard to completely give this aspect of our lives over to God and with this understanding comes the "calm"! God knows what comes next, where the next will be and he will take care of us if we just put all of our FAITH in him!

My pride, now this one used to be a really big one, but i am happy to say that God has been at work on that one for the last 2 years. I have learned how to accept my downfalls and suck it up and say i am sorry when i need to. The India experience has shown me a lot about pride and how toxic it can be. Thank you God for stripping me down and making me humble! One less "disability" for me to have in my day to day life.

My circumstances......

I will not allow myself to become a "slave" to my circumstances. I see now where life must be so scary for someone who has no faith, it must seem very hopeless at times. I am not always able to see the "rainbow" in the storm, but i have the comfort of knowing that even though i cant see it sometimes, it is still there. When i find myself in a hard time i find comfort in the fact that "God is in control" and that he won't leave me or forsake me!

Ryan and i don't know what the future holds for us, we are not sure when or where our next job will be. We don't know if we will get to go back to the US or if we have more "ExPat" time in front of us. What we do know is that God may close doors but he always opens windows and as long as we are in his will we will be fine wherever the friendly skies take us!!!

Goodbye sweet Blade girl....

My heart has never hurt as bad as it did today when i had to put my sweet angel Blade to sleep. Now this dog was far more than a dog. She has been my faithful and loyal companion for 15 years. I remember the day i picked her out at the pound. She cowered in the back of her kennel and i knew if i didn't take her no one would, so i took my timid puppy home and gave her the best life i could.

We moved into my very first apartment together, she was with me through a "left at the alter" heartbreak, then with me during my marriage to my first husband. She got me through the rough times that followed my divorce and onto my marriage to Ryan. She was there to greet our sweet baby Ella Mae the first time we brought her home and put up with toddler abuse even in her old age of arthritis.

The only regret i have is that i have had to leave her these last 2 years while i have been living over seas, but i am blessed that she has been well cared for by our friends and was surrounded by her pack, DeoGie and Kooter.

My heart breaks today as i was not prepared to put her down, but after some grim news on blood work it was decided that this was the best thing to do for her. My daughter picked her as the favorite and referred to her as "Blaze" and i was sad that she will not get to play with her anymore, but so blessed that they met each other.

Blade was the kindest, sweetest old girl that i have ever known. We estimate her age to be near 17 and she has hung in there through many cold winters despite her horrible arthritis. Today she gave me a goodbye kiss, something she doesn't do and then she laid in my arms and fell asleep happy and peaceful. My heart is broken, but i am a true believer that right now my silly girl is playing in the greenest field you can imagine, running and rolling and totally pain free. One day i will see her again and those perky ears will welcome me to paradise.....

Pay Tribute.....

My small community, i call home, here in the gorgeous Black Hills was hit with true tragedy the week we returned from India. 3 police officers were brutally shot, 2 died and one is recovering. It shook out little community violently....

Today Ella Mae and i had the privilege of standing along the precession route as they carried fallen officer Nick Armstrong to his final resting place, last week they buried Officer Ryan McCandless. Although i have never met either of these 2 very brave men, my heart was struck with the loss of not only 2 brave officers, but 2 young men who were just getting their lives started. I grieve for those that knew and love them, all those they left behind. As the thousands of people drove by headed to the cemetery i could not hold back the tears. The law enforcement community took a huge hit in this and it was evident on all of their faces. So many people came from all over the Midwest to pay their respects.

We are not a large community, we are small and close. We still smile at those we don't know and happily hold doors open for each other, this just isn't the place where police officers get shot in broad daylight! Still now i sit here trying to express what i feel with tears threatening to fall. I feel so proud of our City as we have stepped up and honored our fallen protectors. It mends the heart a little to know that we are still small enough to care! Our men and women of law enforcement are there for us at all costs, so i will certainly remember that next time i get pulled over, that maybe i am to blame and not the officer just doing his/her job.

I am blessed to be a part of such a great city filled with amazing people, God bless you Officers McCandless and Armstrong, may you be in paradise tonight. My prayers will remain with those you loved who are left behind......

The Epic Pair....

Today as i finished out 8 weeks of my diet/exercise routine i got to thinking about those skinny jeans that are sitting on the top shelf of my closet, you know the pair, every girl has one. They are that pair that fit only once for 2 days and then never again, or the pair that you bought dreaming of the day that you could squeeze into them. I am happy that my epic pair of skinnies are back home and not here tempting me to try them on 10 times a week to see what changes have occurred. True, i do have a pair of "skinny" jeans here but they used to fit before i got pregnant and so the fact that they fit again is exciting but no where near the same as if i could squeeze into the pair back home. I remember the last time (only a handful of times) that i wore them, they were the jeans that told me all of my efforts had payed off, i was the smallest i had ever been and i liked it, but apparently i didn't like it enough to keep up with the routine!

I am pleased with my results as of this moment, and for the first time in my life feel like i am doing it all right and am making a life change, not just a temporary or fad diet change. I love my exercise routine and eating healthy is not a diet as far as i am concerned!

So for you, you beautiful pair of jeans waiting in my closet.....We have a date, only 4 weeks from now and i am going to do my best to fit you by then!

The fork in the road

Lately i have been thinking about the past, and when i say past i mean all the way back to my late teens early adult years. I wonder to myself, what would i do differently?????

Would i have followed my dreams to the East Coast for school to pursue a career in Equine physical therapy? Would i have stayed at home with my parents a bit longer? Would i have gone out for sports and really lived up every second of being in school? Would i have dated more and taken life less seriously? Would i have ever picked up that first cigarette or drank that first sip of alcohol? Would i have said "i do" the first time around, or run from the alter as i knew i should have? Would i have put down the candy bar and picked up some fruit? Would i have made more of an effort in my friendships or stayed withdrawn? Would i have stayed close to God through my entire journey or drifted away over time?

So many questions, so many options, so many different outcomes. I look at these young people starting this journey, and i hope and pray for them that they will live life to the fullest. There is no point in looking back or you will miss what is happening right in front of you! The fact of the matter is that if i had changed course at any given time in my life i would have missed out on all of this! I am so happy that things turned out the way they did for me. I am so blessed that God has blessed me so richly. Some days i may not be the biggest fan of the path i am on, and the decisions that i have to make, but i have learned that through Faith the burden is off of my shoulders. Thank you God for lessons learned!

Grinding the daily grind

A month ago I was begining to feel very down, lonely from Ryan's long hours and no one to share the time with, tired from never getting any me time away from all of my responsibilities, disheartened from the distance that spanned me and nearly everyone i love, and confused as to the direction God had planned out for my future....

Now a month later so much has changed, and i have realized that all of these times in my life are symply "seasons" they never last very long but they always lead into something new!

Bec and i have had much time to talk and keep each other company as our men work hard flying all over the country. We have also gotten into a routine that gives not only 2 hours of uninterupted play for our girls 5-6 days a week, but also and hour each of Mommy time as we take turns at the gym. It has been awesome! Everyday i look forward to my time with the 2 girls and alone at the gym working on my waist line. It is nice for both of us and honestly the girls truly love each other and look forward to their time together!

Our amazing babysitter Bethany gifts me with an afternoon off every single week where i indulge in a pedicure and time to quietly read my book or listen to my ipod and relax. She is amazing with Ella Mae and she loves her time with her babysitter!

This new fellowship for Ella Mae has caused massive developmental growth, she is saying new words every day and now signs enthusiastically when it comes to eating. She loves to play and is making new bonds all the time. Right now is a bit of a tough time for her as she is working on what looks like 4 teeth and she is going through seperation anxiety so i do have more tears than usual but with all of the time for me to "recharge my batteries" daily it makes this stage so much easier!

The more i miss home the more i realize that this IS home and that i need to stop "wishing" my time away here. God wants me here, and there are things i want to see brought to completion before we leave. I will truly miss India when i leave, so as much as i miss my friends and family back home this is a short chapter in my life and i need to be "all in". My life in India is very simple, and no matter how i try to explain that to anyone that has never lived here there is just no way to truly make you understand. I dont have the usual hassels of the busy US life, although i now have the hassels of India living which is a whole new ball game.

I have learned so much!

Running in place

I feel as if life is getting away from me, i cant seem to get anything to slow down enough for me to keep up, and yet time seems to be standing still! I really some how deluded myself to think that at the point of spiritual growth i have achieved over the last 2 years that i would finally start to feel like i am "getting" it, but the truth is that you never "get it" and the growth never stops. That is of course something to be happy for and something to celebrate, but i will be honest, sometimes the "spiritual pruning" is hard!

I have learned, nearly successfully to "let go and let God" on most areas of my life. That for me is AMAZING since i tend to be the most uptight stressed out person on this planet! Over the last 2 years i have changed and grown and for that i thank God, because only he could have done this, i certainly don't have the power. My latest struggle is an interesting one...

I am weary, physically and emotionally! This morning i realized that i have been faithfully handing over my emotional weariness to God, but have not once asked him for help with the physical side. I know when God is "talking" to me, it is unmistakable, especially when i have been ignoring him! I have been fighting this sleep deprivation since pregnancy and of course during pregnancy and nursing i was not able to take the sleep aid my Doctor prescribed. The last couple of months i have gone back on Ambien, which i can only take on nights when Ryan is home, leaving me completely exhausted on nights he is not since i can't seem to fall asleep. Lately my heart has been heavy over having to take Ambien, and so i argue "but God, when i don't take it i lay awake all night" still hearing him say "you don't need it." It's funny how faith works....It's an ever growing state of mind. Just because i have great faith in some things i have realized i have very little faith in small things! God is big enough to give us our miracle baby, but not big enough to help me sleep?????? Seriously, i am actually disappointed in myself for overlooking this!

I am happy that i feel this "guiding" if you will, it shows me that God is continually at work in my life, the real trouble starts when i stop hearing him! Just as the rose bush needs pruning to blossom into beautiful, fragrant flowers so to do i need continual pruning and weeding to keep me growing and becoming the woman that God wants me to be!