The Epic Pair....

Today as i finished out 8 weeks of my diet/exercise routine i got to thinking about those skinny jeans that are sitting on the top shelf of my closet, you know the pair, every girl has one. They are that pair that fit only once for 2 days and then never again, or the pair that you bought dreaming of the day that you could squeeze into them. I am happy that my epic pair of skinnies are back home and not here tempting me to try them on 10 times a week to see what changes have occurred. True, i do have a pair of "skinny" jeans here but they used to fit before i got pregnant and so the fact that they fit again is exciting but no where near the same as if i could squeeze into the pair back home. I remember the last time (only a handful of times) that i wore them, they were the jeans that told me all of my efforts had payed off, i was the smallest i had ever been and i liked it, but apparently i didn't like it enough to keep up with the routine!

I am pleased with my results as of this moment, and for the first time in my life feel like i am doing it all right and am making a life change, not just a temporary or fad diet change. I love my exercise routine and eating healthy is not a diet as far as i am concerned!

So for you, you beautiful pair of jeans waiting in my closet.....We have a date, only 4 weeks from now and i am going to do my best to fit you by then!

The fork in the road

Lately i have been thinking about the past, and when i say past i mean all the way back to my late teens early adult years. I wonder to myself, what would i do differently?????

Would i have followed my dreams to the East Coast for school to pursue a career in Equine physical therapy? Would i have stayed at home with my parents a bit longer? Would i have gone out for sports and really lived up every second of being in school? Would i have dated more and taken life less seriously? Would i have ever picked up that first cigarette or drank that first sip of alcohol? Would i have said "i do" the first time around, or run from the alter as i knew i should have? Would i have put down the candy bar and picked up some fruit? Would i have made more of an effort in my friendships or stayed withdrawn? Would i have stayed close to God through my entire journey or drifted away over time?

So many questions, so many options, so many different outcomes. I look at these young people starting this journey, and i hope and pray for them that they will live life to the fullest. There is no point in looking back or you will miss what is happening right in front of you! The fact of the matter is that if i had changed course at any given time in my life i would have missed out on all of this! I am so happy that things turned out the way they did for me. I am so blessed that God has blessed me so richly. Some days i may not be the biggest fan of the path i am on, and the decisions that i have to make, but i have learned that through Faith the burden is off of my shoulders. Thank you God for lessons learned!

Grinding the daily grind

A month ago I was begining to feel very down, lonely from Ryan's long hours and no one to share the time with, tired from never getting any me time away from all of my responsibilities, disheartened from the distance that spanned me and nearly everyone i love, and confused as to the direction God had planned out for my future....

Now a month later so much has changed, and i have realized that all of these times in my life are symply "seasons" they never last very long but they always lead into something new!

Bec and i have had much time to talk and keep each other company as our men work hard flying all over the country. We have also gotten into a routine that gives not only 2 hours of uninterupted play for our girls 5-6 days a week, but also and hour each of Mommy time as we take turns at the gym. It has been awesome! Everyday i look forward to my time with the 2 girls and alone at the gym working on my waist line. It is nice for both of us and honestly the girls truly love each other and look forward to their time together!

Our amazing babysitter Bethany gifts me with an afternoon off every single week where i indulge in a pedicure and time to quietly read my book or listen to my ipod and relax. She is amazing with Ella Mae and she loves her time with her babysitter!

This new fellowship for Ella Mae has caused massive developmental growth, she is saying new words every day and now signs enthusiastically when it comes to eating. She loves to play and is making new bonds all the time. Right now is a bit of a tough time for her as she is working on what looks like 4 teeth and she is going through seperation anxiety so i do have more tears than usual but with all of the time for me to "recharge my batteries" daily it makes this stage so much easier!

The more i miss home the more i realize that this IS home and that i need to stop "wishing" my time away here. God wants me here, and there are things i want to see brought to completion before we leave. I will truly miss India when i leave, so as much as i miss my friends and family back home this is a short chapter in my life and i need to be "all in". My life in India is very simple, and no matter how i try to explain that to anyone that has never lived here there is just no way to truly make you understand. I dont have the usual hassels of the busy US life, although i now have the hassels of India living which is a whole new ball game.

I have learned so much!

Running in place

I feel as if life is getting away from me, i cant seem to get anything to slow down enough for me to keep up, and yet time seems to be standing still! I really some how deluded myself to think that at the point of spiritual growth i have achieved over the last 2 years that i would finally start to feel like i am "getting" it, but the truth is that you never "get it" and the growth never stops. That is of course something to be happy for and something to celebrate, but i will be honest, sometimes the "spiritual pruning" is hard!

I have learned, nearly successfully to "let go and let God" on most areas of my life. That for me is AMAZING since i tend to be the most uptight stressed out person on this planet! Over the last 2 years i have changed and grown and for that i thank God, because only he could have done this, i certainly don't have the power. My latest struggle is an interesting one...

I am weary, physically and emotionally! This morning i realized that i have been faithfully handing over my emotional weariness to God, but have not once asked him for help with the physical side. I know when God is "talking" to me, it is unmistakable, especially when i have been ignoring him! I have been fighting this sleep deprivation since pregnancy and of course during pregnancy and nursing i was not able to take the sleep aid my Doctor prescribed. The last couple of months i have gone back on Ambien, which i can only take on nights when Ryan is home, leaving me completely exhausted on nights he is not since i can't seem to fall asleep. Lately my heart has been heavy over having to take Ambien, and so i argue "but God, when i don't take it i lay awake all night" still hearing him say "you don't need it." It's funny how faith works....It's an ever growing state of mind. Just because i have great faith in some things i have realized i have very little faith in small things! God is big enough to give us our miracle baby, but not big enough to help me sleep?????? Seriously, i am actually disappointed in myself for overlooking this!

I am happy that i feel this "guiding" if you will, it shows me that God is continually at work in my life, the real trouble starts when i stop hearing him! Just as the rose bush needs pruning to blossom into beautiful, fragrant flowers so to do i need continual pruning and weeding to keep me growing and becoming the woman that God wants me to be!

Around the world and yet....

Yes, it is true that this year has been a year of adventure and travel for us. I am so busy that i haven't even blogged about 2 of our trips, one to Rome back in September and Bali just earlier this month. Now some would say, wow i would give anything to go the places you have gone and see the things you have seen, but i have to say that i would trade all of these trips for more time back in the US with family and friends. It's easy for people who have never left the comfort of their country to not fully grasp what it is like to spend so much time on foreign soil. Yes, it is an amazing experience that we will forever treasure, and yes we have seen things i never imagined in all of my wildest dreams, we have met amazing people along the way and all of these things are valued, but when you are truly homesick all the 5 star resorts on the planet cant compare!

I don't take these trips for granted and i am not trying to sound spoiled, but i would in a heartbeat trade Bali, Rome, and even Thailand for more than a few weeks in the US 2 times a year! I want to lay in my bed and bask in the quiet of the country. I want to play with my dogs and watch my daughter with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I want to drive my car to nowhere just because i can. I want to shop at Walmart where i can actually get all my needs fulfilled in one location (something i hated before i came here, but would give anything for now). I want to sit with Sarah and watch our kids play together, and i want to spend time with these few women who have stuck by my side through all of these years when the rest of the friends faded away. I miss girl time with my sister and sitting with my Mom.

The trips are great, but the grass is not as green as you may think. Funny how we always want to be where we are not! Don't get me wrong, i am so very thankful to God for our time in India and the opportunity to see the world...It has changed my life forever and i could never regret a moment of it! I am, however, ready for a long break back in the US, something we have not had for 3 years now! I am missing all of my freedoms that i used to take for granted! Especially my freedom of Religion, something America not only takes for granted, but lately seems to be pushing to the way side! I am happy that i got to come here and truly find out how blessed i am as an American. So for now i will enjoy my travel and count my blessings, until God sees fit to plant our feet firmly on American soil for good!

Birthday In Bali

We decided to spend Ella Mae's first birthday in Bali. We love Thailand and were very excited to check out this new Indonesian island paradise. I have to say that Bali is breathtakingly beautiful and the statues and carvings are amazing. It is filled with friendly people and rich in culture.

My absolutely favorite part of Bali was the thunderstorms. We vacationed on the end of the peak season, nearing the start of the wet season, but it was the perfect time in my opinion. The weather stayed pleasant the entire time, not to hot not to cold. The afternoon thunderstorms would roll in and there is just nothing like it! We enjoyed most of our meals at the hotels Cocos beach bar. It is literally sand floor with thatched roof and nothing but glorious ocean for a view.

This vacation we had decided would be one of relaxation, so we did not go out and explore the island too much. We did however drive a good part of the island to get to the Bali Safari and Marine park and that is a must see if you ever visit Bali. The animals were healthy, well kept and spectacular! It is a beautiful park! I don't regret our decision to stay close to home, as it allowed us to give Ella Mae proper rest. She loves the pool and the ocean and we spent our days in both. Ryan and i both enjoyed a beachside massage in the resorts outdoor spa huts...There is nothing quite like having a massage while listening to the ocean (live) and feeling the wind blowing off the water, it was the most relaxing massage i have ever enjoyed!

I will say that the water and the beaches could not compare to Thailand however. Yes, the water and beaches we experienced were clean and well kept, but they did not have that beautiful azure water of Thailand or the coral white sand beaches we fell in love with at Phuket. Bali had its own unique charm that made it a completely different experience from Thailand, but if the choice is down to beaches and water then Thailand wins, hands down!

Bali felt like a land of ancient ruins surrounded by lush jungle, it was gorgeous. I loved the feel of stepping back into a timeless place...There was truly something magical about this island. I am happy that we chose to stay in the Tanjung Benoa/Nusa Dua area instead of choosing the touristy Kuta beach area. Our resort was located near the top of the peninsula so we were further from the manicured Nusa Dua zone, and got more a feel of the real Bali.

All in all it was a good choice and i am happy that we got to experience Bali, it will forever be in my heart! Next stop will of course be Thailand, we have truly fallen in love with the country and there is so much more to see!!!!

The birth of our miracle

Its hard to believe that a year ago i was just beginning the journey of Ella Mae's birth. The 18 hours of labor and the final push to bring her into this world are a memory, but one that i will carry with me for all time. The very second that the Dr's placed her in my arms i knew i would love her forever, and that i would lay my life on the line for her always, what i didn't know is that feeling, that powerful love would only multiply with each passing day, week, month and now year. I love her more now than i ever imagined i had the capacity to love. Some nights i hold her while she sleeps and it feels she is the reason my heart beats! True, as she gets older we have begun the power struggle, and some days are not all fun and games...Good or bad days, regardless are the best days simply because Ella Mae is here with us and we are a family.

This year has been an amazing experience. We have watched her grow from a helpless infant to a daring toddler. Watching her little body grow and her amazing mind develop, all things that are such a blessing to be part of. The one characteristic that never ceases to amaze me is her never ending love and adoration for us. She gives hugs with out asking, she kisses us often and gives us her trademark head butts just to show she cares. Even after not getting her way she is never greedy with the love, she offers it freely and openly. Her heart is so big, and every second with her makes my heart bigger.

I thought i fully understood love, but i am sad to say that i never knew of this love, this powerful, deep and undying love that i feel for my daughter. Loving her has taught me to better love all people in my life. I take my cues from her, i forgive easily and show love fiercely. I can not imagine a minute of my life spent without her and i look forward to watching her continue to grow and change. Ella Mae is incredible...I really cant say much more than that.

This last year has brought Ryan and i to a new level of love and our family to a new level of faith. God is amazing and he blessed us above and beyond with the gift of our baby girl. This year we will sing happy Birthday to Ella Mae in Bali Indonesia, which is fitting of her jet set life that she has had since birth. She is an adventurer and wherever Ryan and Ella Mae are is home. Thank you God, for an amazing husband and the miracle of my baby girl Ella Mae....My blessing overflow!!!!