The countdown days!!!!!

This is always the hardest time for me, the last week before Ryan comes home...its like the last week of school before summer!!!! Ryan will be home Friday and i am busy trying to come up with his welcome home surprise...One time i showed up in a very sexy little black dress, should of seen the look on his face, PRICELESS, was even better when i slyly whispered "wait til you see whats under it" haha....sometimes being an ex pat pilots wife opens up life's little chances to be a bit naughty LOL. Well this time i think i hit the jackpot....anyone who knows me or has seen my pictures knows that i have very long hair, always have...i refuse to go short because i have the perfect kind of hair to wear long and it looks fitting on me....well i did it, i chopped and re-highlighted my hair and i am absolutely in love, and i just know Ryan is going to be blown away!!!! YAY

I always make sure in this last week when he is coming home that i try to keep my schedule very full to pass the time and this week is no exception, and as usual it is slowing to a literal crawl....Ugh, is it Friday yet?????? So anyways, I know that Ryan very rarely reads this blog, so i will post a picture of my new hair-do for my friends and family that do....I still cant believe that i am moving to India and under 3 weeks, that seems crazy!!!!!

More than just a sister

OK, OK....I think this roller coaster of emotion may not ever end! I am so very excited to get to FINALLY be spending actual time with my husband, Ryan and i have never had that before (as long as we don't drive each other crazy it should be a wonderful bonding experience lol)...But now it seems that the excitement and anticipation that has been driving me for the last 3 weeks is slowly starting to come to head as he will arrive here to get me in less than a week, so now i have time to focus on something new....all that i am leaving behind.

I know that this will be good for us, but i have never been away from my mom, dad, sister (Kris) and Isaiah for more than a few weeks. Granted they live next door and the only time we spend together for the most part is the Rush games, but it has been incredible for me to have so much family time recently. Kris and i have been practically inseparable, and now it has finally sunk in, in a few weeks i will be saying goodbye to not only my mom, dad, and nephew (all of which i love very deeply), but i am going to be saying goodbye to my sister, my best friend, my partner in crime...I worry about leaving her, we both depend on each other so very much, and i just cant tell her enough how much it breaks my heart to leave her behind....That's just be straight to the point....THIS REALLY HURTS!!!!!!

Kris had been my shoulder, my rock, my comfort through some very difficult times for me...She always stood by me even when i messed up and the rest of the world gave up she never did...I hope she knows that every day apart she will be on my mind and in my heart....This is the hardest thing i have ever done....Kristin, I LUV DEW.....i will see you soon sister....

Pilots wife worst fear

So i try not to let the thought into my head, and on normal days that is not so hard...as a pilots wife i don't consider my husbands job to be "dangerous", but lately there have been more and more things weighing on my heart. I know that flying is safe and in comparison to car accidents it is even safer than my drive to the grocery store, but today as i read about the crash into the Hudson river due to a flock of Canadian geese, or the crash four weeks ago in Colorado, or the rising terrorism and tightened security in Indian airports....well, i just cant calm my heart right now. Like i said, i know that it is crazy, and Ryan would probably just laugh at me, but when these events occur my heart literally stops for a moment! I cannot bear the thought of something bad happening to my husband, and when there is an increase in those kind of incidences i am reminded that his job is a bit more risky than most. Now i guess i understand why it is so difficult for pilots to get life insurance!

OK i am done being morbid, i just needed a moment to vent, sometimes these fears just build up inside me until i feel like i am going to explode!!!!!!

A New Begining

I have been so exhausted and drained lately that i barely leave the couch, this is so unlike me...I just don't seem to have the drive or energy for anything anymore, probably because the reality of leaving my world behind is slowly setting in...

I hope that this move will be a brand new start for me and Ryan, we certainly deserve it! Our marriage has suffered with so much separation, and i almost feel like moving with him is starting a new relationship with him, one that requires me to let go of everything else and for the first time just depend on him! I have NEVER done that before, and i think it is starting to scare me a little! Up to this point he has been my best friend, but i have never put all my trust in him...now is the time to let go of all the crutches i have been leaning on, let go of the past and move fore ward with only him....I know in my heart this is what needs to be done, but 30 years of bad habits and self preservation make this a huge leap for me! I almost feel like i am living in a haze right now, that this is not my life that i am looking in on, its almost like the death of an old life, so that this new one can be born! I am tired, depressed, reclusive and just plain terrified! I hope that i can do what needs to be done, to put all my faith in God and the man he chose for me, and let go all of the rest....The old me is breaking, and that is the only way....i know that this will only lead to a happier life than i have experienced so far, i just have to get past the shattering of self, and let the pieces come back together in the way that was meant for me....its my time to let go of the control that i have so tightly grasped and head off into the unknown with the man i love.....

All my bags are packed...........

So today i booked my flight for India...It was so weird to pick a return flight at random 4 months away! I think it is finally starting to sink in...I realized that i only have four weeks left here, that only leaves 3 weekends with my sister, a potential 5 Rush games, less than 30 days to have those final dinners and movies that my calendar is slowly starting to fill up with...Ugh i am running out of time to spend time with people....I think i need a Valium! LOL In the next four weeks i have 3 doctor appointments to go to, a house to prepare for Jamie, two dogs to take on last walks and toss the ball around with....Whats worse, as Ryan and i discussed tonight, this is probably the last time i will see Blade...she has been my companion through 3 engagements, 2 marriages, 8 apartments, countless boyfriends and nearly 12 wonderful years!!!! I am going to miss her so much and i feel terrible leaving her towards the end of her days, but i know Jamie will take good care of her...Great, now i am tearing up again! Why do goodbyes have to be so hard???? Why cant it be easy for me, Ryan doesn't seem to struggle with it like i do, but i just cant seem to break away! You know what Sarah....I do believe you are right, this really is going to be good for me....time for me to break out of the routine! There are so many things i am going to miss, and it doesn't help that now that my time here is on the countdown that everyone i love is scrambling to get some time in with me....It really is becoming reality.....Guess its time to put on my "big girl panties" suck it up! Enjoy my last endeavors with my friends, cry a few tears, get on the plane with Ryan, and start a whole new adventure! Thank God for modern technology because if i didn't have the Internet to still be able to talk to all of you i would probably go insane! I am going to miss all of the special people in my life so very much!

Sick and alone....

So today i am going to be a big giant cry baby!!!! I am getting sick and there is nothing worse than being sick with no one to take care of you! Someone should be there to run to the store for you when you need food or something to drink, or if you just really want chocolate to make you feel better, and when you are out of cold medicine that is even worse! It is such a chore to get dressed (dressed being that you put on sweats that were never meant to be seen by the public) your hair that could definitely use a shower being pulled up into a messy ponytail and shoes that are no more than slippers....the great thing about going into public while sick and not looking even close to acceptable, is that frankly you don't care....I wish Ryan was here to take care of me and i am starting to get a bit moody, but then maybe it is a good thing i am alone....save him from having to deal with a sick and irritable wife LOL....so that's that...just needed to complain for a moment....am hoping that the meds kick in soon so that i can get some sleep....that would be nice :)

Ringing In the New Year

Spending important holidays apart from my husband all goes hand in hand with being married to a pilot. It may be something that I should be use to, but i certainly am not. It was very hard when midnight came and everyone was embracing the ones that they loved and Ryan was not there for that all important first kiss of 2009, but there are bigger things in this world to complain about i suppose! Last night was a good time because i got to spend it not only with my friends, but with my family! I am going to miss everyone so much, and am going to miss going to the Rush games with them! I honestly can say that i really enjoy hockey, and last nights game was the most exciting game that i have been to so far...Its funny, but i am starting to notice all of the little things that i am going to miss, and I am very excited for India, but I really am going to miss so many things......One thing is for certain, 2009 is going to be a year i will never forget!!!!!!